Tales Behind You

I'm staring at the nape of your neck And the kink of your curls are intriguing to me with their holdings of secrets from the last few weeks. I see you have a beard but I know not of the lips they surround. I'm so curious. Sitting so still while your eyes trace frantically the letters on the pages forming words making sentences telling stories. At least I imagine... I have yet to experience your stare. I wonder If it's any good.... The book I mean. I bet you're intelligent and don't talk very much. You're leaving now... I catch a glimpse of your profile as the bus trails off leaving you in exhaust and clueless of the strange girl writing notes about you. 

- Sydni Michael

They Don't Know

Everybody claims to want to know love not realizing that it ends.

                                 And the loneliness is so much more alive and unwilling to mend.

I keep drinking in hopes to drown out the silence

But then my fingers make phone calls I regret while I’m dialing.

I make them anyhow.

I want to give my body away as if the world is begging to have it.

But it’s only boys whose dicks have fallen into desperate habit.

So I refrain, and she leaks with lack of affection.

And I’m stuck without any answers to my questions.

Like, what is it all worth?

And what is love anyway?

-Sydni Michael

Two Fiving in April

 I think it’s safe to say my whole world has been flipped upside down.  However, I’m slightly inspired by all the confusion. I had plans, long term ones, that I naively created with the idea of someone else in mind. Now, moving to New York is more frightening than I realized and marriage once again is as far fetched a reality as…well… something really… far… fetched…?  Uhm… right.

  Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just another way of my Creator, the Universe, telling me that I am to be my main focus.  Not some hard headed “man” looking to be taken care of for the rest of our whirlwind of a toxic love life.  I know I said I’d quit speaking about it, but it’s hard when you’re used to one thing and now silence is the voice whispering “I love you.”  I’m talking to a few guys trying to keep my heart open and my mind off it but they don’t make it easy.  It’s actually frustrating having to start all over again with someone new.  You know those beginning stages where it’s supposed to be all exciting and fresh.  Where the kisses taste like a sweet foreign dish and the touch is like jumping into a cold pool on the hottest day of summer?  Well, it isn’t REALLY like that.  I mean don’t get me wrong, the moments exist but let’s not forget about the wonder, the waiting, the uncertainty. Let’s not forget about having to pretend like you don’t really care when all you want is for him to ask if you’re busy because he’s dying to kiss you again. THAT shit…. let’s not forget… about THAT.  I’m vulnerable as shit right now yo.  You’d think I’d be cooped up on some bitter, fuck niggas get money, player shit but really…. I’m not.  Sure, I don’t trust shit they say and I think their intentions are all ill but…. I just want someone to fall in love with me. You know, rub my booty while I fall asleep and wake me up with hard dick and wet kisses.  


Oh dear, it is mandatory I get myself together.

-Sydni

He Came and He Left

I want to write about this and be done with it but I don't even know what there is to say.  I just spent the last 6 hours screaming and crying like a little bitch trying to figure out why I'm not worth an explanation.  Someone who can watch you hurt on account of them, and doesn't make the smallest effort to help, does not love you.  He never loved me and  in this moment, I am sure of that.  Worthless, is such a perfect word for the way I feel right now, it's disgusting. There is really nothing to be said. If I have ever lost faith in Love, it was today. I'd like to think I'm better off, but I feel like vomiting every time my phone rings and the numbers aren't linked to his phone line. I'd like to say FUCK HIM but I just want to be his wife.  A few posts down, I quoted a passage about the definition of a soulmate. When I read it to him, it didn't sit well with him because the idea of soulmates was temporary.  Basically, a soulmate comes, strips you down, changes your life and then leaves. Oh the irony.... for one to fill the position with such perfection after having disagreed with the job description. There was a point in my life many years ago where I was really cold hearted and bitter.  Everything in my body wants to be that woman again but I know it will never do anything for me. So instead, I'm going to accept what a soulmate is and enjoy myself until another strolls along.  If... another strolls along. I'm wiping my hands clean of this. It hurts too bad to dwell....

 -Sydni

 "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master." 

 -Elizabeth Gilbert

Rolled Up Toaster

If only I could learn to keep all these emotions in check. Liquor doesn't do me the slightest bit of good. I'll tell you everything.... all of it. My dog died today. My grandfather died today as well... or possibly last night. Unfortunately for him he never knew me and I, him... so I don't have it in me to feel sorrow. Aside from the fact that death was never meant to be a negative thing. I did cry for my dog however. Seeing him there in the grass, behind the garage, as if to hide. Don't watch me die. I smiled a lot today...on this day of death. I also cried. Jealousy arose and maybe a tinge of anger but only after the pleasant and peaceful realizations. Disappointment attacked right before the forceful sweeps of accomplishment. I'm feeling so many things. I've got to gain some sort of control.

Fauck it.

-Syd