So Necessary

It's starting to feel like crunch time. I still have 9 months til the countdown is by the day but boy am I feeling the pressure. I'm not going to talk about the new year and how amazing it's going to be for me because most of it is going to involve a lot of penny pinching. A lot of old clothes, because new ones can't be bought. A lot of home cooked meals because majority of the money I spend is on happy hour, pigging out on quesadillas, margaritas and well drinks smh. Still looking for that second job so play time will definitely be at an all time low. Last night my uncle told me life is about planning. A big part of me wants to be that free spirit and say "nah... live it by the moment." But the dreamer and "realist" in me says "I pray to God I stick to this fucking plan or someone can find me hanging in a closet." Too extreme? Well of course it is but when have you known me to be anything less? .... oh.. ok. I pray we do everything we talk about. I can't see my life with anyone else and I know this isn't healthy but half of me wanting to better myself and my situation is for him. Sure I want great things for myself but something about his soul calls out to me because it knows I tend to be a little hopeless at times. I won't make this post about him. That's not my intention. It's more so about me.... US even. He'll always be included because he makes me whole. Ok... the corny is seeping out of my fingertips.... ugh. So yes, pray for me, hope for me, wish for me, speak good things into the universe for....US. You get it. I need this you know? I need for this to work. These plans, this music, New York, my relationship, my happiness. I NEED IT. And now I'm going to leave because the caps are finding themselves and I was just attempting to update...not... vent. That's for later. I'll end up late for work fucking around on here.

-Sydni

Bloody Bitch

I shed tears majority of my bus ride to work that day. I posted a blog that morning trying to convince myself and any other manic depressive not to make a day of the feelings I was experiencing at the moment. I got to work, I halfway pulled myself together for the first few hours just so not to offend any clients. Around 6pm I go to take a piss and discover blood in my panties. The point of this story is.... my period is a bitch... and every time I discover I have one, it feels as if the world is ending. Thank you.

-Syd

Please don't do it....

Emotional wreck.

I'm going to try my hardest not to make today one of THOSE days.

-Sydni

Never Knew

If you listened to us talk you'd probably think we were sick. We find ourselves in unrelenting quarrels of jealousy and miscommunication and then we're madly in love the moment after. Laughing ourselves into fits of hysteria, making "inappropriate" sex jokes involving.... nevermind. He makes my body ache with obsession. I find myself chewing occasionally as if I'm attempting to eat his soul. Sometimes it seems as if we're angry with each other for things we can't help, like... the distance. It ruins us just....not enough. I can't wait to share my home with him so I can suck the morning breath from his lips then proceed to wake him with pleasurable strokes from mine. Never knew a love like this. The things I consider while he is my subject frighten me. I've never been so willing. I'd carve his DNA into my skin with his teeth if I could... I lose my sense of civility. Never knew a love...... like this.

Just a few of my thoughts this afternoon.

- Your Love

Cocaine