SydniMichael

Soul mates

2012-01-19T12:29:00.000-08:00

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master."

-- Elizabeth Gilbert

BooM

2012-01-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

1 YEAR!!

2012-01-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should celebrate the fact that I made it a whole one year without meat! :D

I'm quite pleased with myself.

-Syd

Not so updated UPDATE

2012-01-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

I had something to write about yesterday. I'm almost sure I did. I suppose when there's nothing too exciting popping off or when I'm not in my deep dark depression, the blog always lacks. I'm still very much in love. I'm still planning for my move. I still have a job. I'm still not skinny. Am I happy? Well, I'm not UNhappy.... so....I suppose so? The in between role is so much safer. I'd vent about our issues but today we're perfect for each other. I'd complain about my job but I'm off today and lately there isn't much to cry about. I'd tell you I'm sick of my mother but she's a sweetheart. Money is still an issue but I refuse to speak too much on that because GOD knows wealth is coming for me. I still don't have a car. Sometimes the bus can be the most exciting part of my day. If I don't speak to him, my day is ruined, no matter how amazing it was. I still love my friends. We threw a hell of a NYE party at my house. The clean up was miserable. I still think I'm brilliant. I'm not in the studio as often as I was a month or so ago but the music is still alive. By the way, expect something from me..... soon. I guess this is an update and I don't have much for you. I love my honey. Have a great day.

-Sydni

So Necessary

2011-12-19T12:32:00.001-08:00

It's starting to feel like crunch time. I still have 9 months til the countdown is by the day but boy am I feeling the pressure. I'm not going to talk about the new year and how amazing it's going to be for me because most of it is going to involve a lot of penny pinching. A lot of old clothes, because new ones can't be bought. A lot of home cooked meals because majority of the money I spend is on happy hour, pigging out on quesadillas, margaritas and well drinks smh. Still looking for that second job so play time will definitely be at an all time low. Last night my uncle told me life is about planning. A big part of me wants to be that free spirit and say "nah... live it by the moment." But the dreamer and "realist" in me says "I pray to God I stick to this fucking plan or someone can find me hanging in a closet." Too extreme? Well of course it is but when have you known me to be anything less? .... oh.. ok. I pray we do everything we talk about. I can't see my life with anyone else and I know this isn't healthy but half of me wanting to better myself and my situation is for him. Sure I want great things for myself but something about his soul calls out to me because it knows I tend to be a little hopeless at times. I won't make this post about him. That's not my intention. It's more so about me.... US even. He'll always be included because he makes me whole. Ok... the corny is seeping out of my fingertips.... ugh. So yes, pray for me, hope for me, wish for me, speak good things into the universe for....US. You get it. I need this you know? I need for this to work. These plans, this music, New York, my relationship, my happiness. I NEED IT. And now I'm going to leave because the caps are finding themselves and I was just attempting to update...not... vent. That's for later. I'll end up late for work fucking around on here.

-Sydni

Bloody Bitch

2011-12-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

I shed tears majority of my bus ride to work that day. I posted a blog that morning trying to convince myself and any other manic depressive not to make a day of the feelings I was experiencing at the moment. I got to work, I halfway pulled myself together for the first few hours just so not to offend any clients. Around 6pm I go to take a piss and discover blood in my panties. The point of this story is.... my period is a bitch... and every time I discover I have one, it feels as if the world is ending. Thank you.

-Syd

Please don't do it....

2011-12-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

Emotional wreck.

I'm going to try my hardest not to make today one of THOSE days.

-Sydni

Never Knew

2011-12-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

If you listened to us talk you'd probably think we were sick. We find ourselves in unrelenting quarrels of jealousy and miscommunication and then we're madly in love the moment after. Laughing ourselves into fits of hysteria, making "inappropriate" sex jokes involving.... nevermind. He makes my body ache with obsession. I find myself chewing occasionally as if I'm attempting to eat his soul. Sometimes it seems as if we're angry with each other for things we can't help, like... the distance. It ruins us just....not enough. I can't wait to share my home with him so I can suck the morning breath from his lips then proceed to wake him with pleasurable strokes from mine. Never knew a love like this. The things I consider while he is my subject frighten me. I've never been so willing. I'd carve his DNA into my skin with his teeth if I could... I lose my sense of civility. Never knew a love...... like this.

Just a few of my thoughts this afternoon.

- Your Love

Cocaine

2011-12-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

Fuck It....

2011-11-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

May it be obvious I enjoy titties? pretty bitches and lit up cities? I like comfortable homes… wood n’ shit. I like scruffy men, grimey but intelligent. I am music. I am a nasty bitch. I am all the things you say I am except for celibate. I like to fuck. small in a truck, big in a 2 door but ain’t got much butt. I am so motherfucking backwards. I’d contradict a sure thing with an uncertain lack for… it all. What? Who the fuck really knows. I fall in love probably twice a month… I’m a love hoe. I create fantasies. In my head I am sexier than I appear to be in reality. I experience frequent anxiety. I’m the worst example if we’re discussing proprieties. I am coming but I’ll never be there. You can try and run but you can never beat fear. So I murdered it… took a gun to the idea and burned the bitch. When I feel pain I focus on it til it’s pleasure. If I was skinny I’d probably enjoy the summer weather.

-Ziggy

(It just came out)

Blank Stares

2011-11-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

I was dreaming of bodies with no faces... lots of silence and dark places, with enough light to catch the traces and enough high to fill the spaces I get enough high... when the sky erases. Can we play a bit? Lay and get all wrapped in the underlying attraction no need to label it.

-Ziggy

Teardrop

2011-11-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

I never get enough..... *sigh*

"Water is my eye, most faithful mirror...

fearless on my breath.

Teardrop on the fire, of a confession...

fearless on my breath.

Most faithful mirror...

fearless on my... breath."

-Ziggy

Dolla Dolla Bills Yall

2011-11-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

I need a second job...... now. I feel like everything I've been planning and making changes for is about to go down the drain. The optimist dancing around inside of me tells me not to speak such things into the universe but... fuck it, I'm blogging. I'm finding myself with more and more bills and shit to pay for every fucking day. I remember when I wasn't such a money chaser. I was satisfied even when I didn't have a closet full of clothes and new shoes. I enjoyed simple shit and being broke was nothing to me. I used to look at money chasers and laugh and now I'm becoming one of them. All I want is money. Money.... money, money, money. And to think we believe we're superior to animals haha. We believe we've got this insurmountable power over these creatures yet it seems they've acquired peace while we continue to lose the war against MONEY. God, when I come back next lifetime... can you make me a kitty? ..... please? -_- No but real shit, I need a second job. I refuse to let my plans for next year be unaccounted for. If I have to stop eating for the next 6 months to get where I plan to go, welp.... pass me a slice of bread if ya see me.

-Ziggy

The GLORY

2011-10-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

Not sure if you've noticed but these grand events are becoming a lot more frequent. I'm thrilled about it and if you've ever experienced one, you're thrilled about it as well. November 3rd, seven days before my birthday, THE GLORY is taking place, compliments of Wine&Bowties. This time, I'll be there... unlike the last event I sadly missed due to other shit. Once again, if you're looking for a beautiful time, a place to just let loose... possibly meet some amazing people... well... get your ass here. Have a wonderful Halloween motherfuckers.

-Sydni

zoombie

2011-10-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted. I'm also still not doing enough. I appreciate the times when I've got nothing to do....well that's never the case, I always have something to do. I'll just take a good hour like now to write or to watch my new favorite shows American Horror Story or How to Make it in America. I really don't have the time. Which means I'm not getting enough done. At least the time I do take to relax should be for sleeping. I feel like a fucking zombie yo. This is why I'm usually rushing to get to work... because I'd rather sit here and blog than get up and get dressed to head to the studio. I am currently limiting my studio time seeing as how I have to leave for work by 3.... it's 12:21. I'm a fool. I'm also a zombie. I should probably go. I'm currently wasting time blogging about how I'm wasting time.... smh. This should be read in the most drained, monotone voice you can create in your head... because that's how it's being written... thought. I don't even feel like making sense. I wouldn't be surprised if I took the wrong bus to work. Adderall is my friend. Good day. There's a red squiggly under adderall but they're not giving me any other options and I'm not going to waste time looking it up................................

I looked it up.... that red squiggly is bull SHIT! RAWR!

bye.

-Sydni

old heart new feeling

2011-10-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

My hormones are raging.... I blame the rain.

He asked for my hand so I blamed the game...

Love across country I could blame the name

But when you're standing here I only blame to blame.

I used to write about you....

And now you're back

so potent...

wanting more than just the physical. I've learned to take you in doses, in pieces. I don't know who you are in whole. 5 years of lust and suddenly you love...... and suddenly... I run...

-Sydni

You Can Go

2011-09-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

I think I expect everyone to fall in love with me, and when that doesn't happen I'm.... confused and... a little bitter.

Tis a blessing in disguise though. I tend to fall more into myself when this occurs. I've stopped aiming to impress or to please now that I see it doesn't always work in my favor. Strangely enough, I'm realizing just how dope I really am. So although I would love for you to love me, I see now that you're either intimidated, boring, or just stupid. That is very arrogant of me... but today, I do not care.

-Sydni

Instant or.... Later

2011-09-04T12:47:00.001-07:00

More than I'm willing to share but...

Our trip to The Springs was..... a weekend I wish I could relive again and again. I'm so appreciative of the fucked up friends I have in my corner. No other group could have created an atmosphere like the one we experienced that weekend. I'll post a few pics I took with my iphone that unfortunately won't do that weekend justice but since my excitement aided in me forgetting my camera on a busy morning out the door this will have to do. Shit that instagram app is all a nigga needs eh? smh.

...I'm on both sides of everything.

A lot of the time, I evaluate my life and my state of mind and I say to myself "wow, you've grown a great deal." (or something like that.) And then,I do some shit that the "old me" would've done and I feel like I took my everything and placed it 2 years back. This progress thing can be frustrating. Is it as difficult for anyone else as it is seeming for me? Not to take away from all I've learned nor from the person I've come to be today but............................

...the war continues.

Some shit is about to come to surface... I'll head out on that note.

Be blessed.

-Sydni

Speak Easy Baby

2011-08-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

That's right... another one! Unfortunately I'll be out of town when this grand event takes place and I'm torn apart because I know I'll be missing out on one hell of an evening. I'm telling you these parties never FAIL! Drove out to Frisco a few weeks ago to attend the last one and it was absolutely amazing. A great time is an understatement. Please join my boys at Wine&Bowties for this lovely occasion. I guarantee you will not regret it. You'll meet brilliant and creative, motivated and inspirational people who are all out to have a good time. The vibe is beautiful, the DJ is ALWAYS on point and the venues tend to create an atmosphere you can't help but enjoy. These are the type of parties they should charge much more for, but only $1 and you're in for a great night :) I'll be making history elsewhere that night, so live it up for me.

-Ziggy

And I...

2011-08-15T11:12:00.001-07:00

....woke up today and felt all the positive energy of the Universe floating around me.

Closer

2011-08-08T15:29:00.001-07:00

Some days I feel like keeping it to myself but....

The only thing seeming to matter right now is the feeling that I want him SO VERY BAD. At first it was easy. Speaking to him everyday was enough. These days it's frustrating. I just want to touch him, smell him, kiss him, fuck his brains out. To think there was once a time where I could've hopped in the car and gotten my daily fix of this perfect man and now I'd have to take time off work and buy a plane ticket just to get a weekend... grr. So perfect and so far away. God, please move him back to LA, it'd make my life that much better. I'm trying to be patient but this just isn't fair.

It's no wonder I wasn't falling for any of the others... they aren't you.

-Me

Skeptic Calls

2011-08-01T13:01:00.001-07:00

Normally, quick to share.

Eager to translate what was said... how he stared..

Quiet is kept these days

A skeptic of every heart that beats my way

Who's the new love in my life?

Well there isn't one.

At least not one worth discussing....yet.

Distances acknowledged...

Flaws being accounted for..

Perfection not expected but...

wait, there's more...

Perfect for .... me... is necessary.

And while I imagine you fit the description

I've read too many "true stories" that sadly ended as fiction

Sadly caused inflictions whose tails made of bricks built walls

The skeptic calls....

I'm tired of answering...

But I do what I must to have what I please.

I please what I need with the exclusion of settling.

I'm not closing any doors.

Nor am I opening up shop until my product is worth representation.

Under.... construction

Questioning relation...

Who's swimming in it and who's watching from the outside?

If I drown who's out to save me and who's waiting on the sideline?

Nothing counts until it's counted and my bag is empty.

It isn't fair to share what isn't mine

although show and tell is tempting.

You're beautiful ...

and I'd love for you to be IT for me.

But when the skeptic is calling I'm the one answering.

-Sydni Michael

Dessert Please

2011-07-17T13:26:00.001-07:00

You ever worked REALLY hard on something for it to come out half ass? Yea, I'm looking back on these promo videos we did and they're just not what I need them to be. Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to flip them and turn them into something brilliant. Crazy thing is they ARE brilliant...at least the concept behind them is and the videographer well... he...psh...a gift from God. But... the idea didn't come out clear and we had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to get it done in the allotted time frame. Part of me wants to start fresh and come up with something entirely new but for ONE, some of the footage we have is so great already and I'd hate for it to go to waste and TWO, I don't know if our first videographer would be willing to work with us again for the freesky or if we'd be able to find another who even matches up to his skill. I suppose I'd be willing to pay but I mean...you know... your girl's got bills and shit to take care of so we're talking low dollars here. Anyway, I've got a lot to think about. We took a big hit, yet again. This shit isn't easy yo. It's hard to make such a large idea come alive when the people you work with don't believe in it nearly as much as you do. They babble about how excited they are to be apart of it but they never fall through when it's time to put the work in. I can't even explain the frustration... it brings me to tears. I want this shit so bad and I feel like it's SO close but I've come to the understanding that this is something that I have to do alone. Well, my partner and I. We've gotta do this shit by ourselves.... all of it lol. That's cool though.... the success will taste that much sweeter :)

-SydniMichael

BeeTeeDub

2011-07-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

So we're having a big 4th of July party on..... the 4th. You should come :)

Here are a few photos for you to browse through.

Enjoy your Saturday night... I'm off to get trashed.

Also, as I close this out, I need to make a few things clear. The photos in the "Show Me Your Red" post are not mine...unfortunately, smh. I would love to take credit for such beautiful shots but...I can't. I found those on tumblr. Also, the "MOM" post...the crackalackin joke... yea.. not my mom. I'm sure I found that on tumblr as well. So yea, just wanted to throw that out there.

-Sydni

Still finding my way...

2011-06-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like I had so much to say earlier. With these emotions, if I don't write it down at the exact moment, well it's bound to change. I switch with the hour. One thing I can say is I'm finally applying to art school. It's a pity to think I could have been in and out and on to bigger things by now but here I am, after however many years, finally realizing that the rebellious "I don't need a paper" attitude is kind of sketch and beyond played out. I mean, I believe it's possible, but...I'm really only making this harder for myself. Trying to prove society wrong by going against the grain isn't really doing anything for ME. All this talent and no paper has me in the back of the line looking at all the talentLESS people in the front with their cheesy ass ideas being thrown into the poor vulnerable world for all to see... *vomit* Yea, so... that's where my head is; growth, work, and hopefully school soon in either NY or San Fran. This also depends on my job. I'm praying they'll just let me transfer over and all will be well in my life lol. If I move to NY I can be close to Nommy and live happily ever after...for a few years at least, until we fall out of love and I find an asian man with a big peen who can give me babies. Asians are fair skinned black people... I care what no one says. It's crazy how attracted to asian men I've become lol. Ever since I met that UCLA professor at Backstage bar I've just got this new eye for them... dey make me nips hard. :D

-Ah so speaking of hard nipples, yet again I have been propositioned to do another threesome or as I like to call them, 2 and 1/2somes. Maybe I'll have a story for you soon.

-Ziggy :)

The soulmate

2011-06-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

We actually spoke this time. Aside from the piercing eye contact and the silent conversation of how this is only the beginning.... he told me he made my smoothie as best he could. :) I'm in love.

-Ziggy

Perpetual Motion

2011-06-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

I entered a room where the furniture wasn't quite right and the walls were only halfway painted. Blessedly I'm allowed to rearrange and finish up at least for the time being. That is until the color begins to bore me and the window from the other side of the room begs for late night sight seeing. Where's the growth in complacency? Such being said, complaints are not welcome.... I'll just finish painting... for the time being. Waiting on a new home to find being because... where's the growth in complacency? I'm thinking of experiencing you experiencing me to be worth a new experience for someone waiting to experience thee. We're all just being.... moments at a time.

-I.

Que sera sera

2011-06-11T03:33:00.000-07:00

There's a way around and out of everything. It takes some figuring, some strength, some discipline. Ah, but primarily, it takes understanding. Understanding that what you're inside of does not exist. What he has created with me and what I have created on my own terms doesn't exist. The second I realize that whole-heartedly, the healing begins. I've spent so much time questioning whether it was real rather than accepting the fact that people can't help who they love and when love is a factor, it usually shows. So if I'm sitting in the audience and the stage is empty, it's fair to say the show is over or possibly never existed to begin with. And while I've been visiting other shows, I tend to always head back to this one theater... and it's always empty lol. What lesson am I waiting to learn? Lecturing my ex on how he knows the answers but he never picks the right one indeed is baffling to me, but ironically, I'm doing the same thing. I know what it is. I know that this guy never cared and that it's deeper than a Sunday, Monday issue. (whatever that means) It's fair to say he has a problem....with women. I was just another woman filling the void. Understandable.... I can't even blame him. We've all got voids to fill and how we deal is our own issue at hand because in the end, it's still our (in this case...his) problem. To be aware of the defect and to still allow it to live so fervently, has been MY issue. That....ends now. It used to feel decent at least. Someone used to show up to the theater and at least turn the lights on but lately the lights are off and the sound of my breathing and footsteps are the only vindication for applause. No one's clapping. I'm not sure what it is about this person that had me so wrapped up but it's an experience I'm glad to have had. Part of me thinks the baby is what has me so emotionally tied... part of me thinks a connection can't be fabricated....part of me is over it all...no matter what the case may be. Discovering your worth brings people in and pushes a lot of people out. So...it's time to let that go. And with that being said, I've got work tomorrow.... goodnight.

-The last of SyMi.

Show me your RED

2011-06-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

I've been writing a lot lately, I know....I'd say possibly too much but when could that ever be the case? So, I haven't really analyzed this new obsession of mine or whatever you'd enjoy calling it, but I have this strange fascination with blood. It's so out of the blue smh. ( ....no pun intended...but you wouldn't get it anyway lol...or would you? ) So as I'm scrolling through a #blood hashtag on tumblr I come to the realization that this is filling the void for all the things I've dropped that could be considered dark, sinister, morbid, harmful, menacing etc. etc. etc. lol. "could be considered" meaning what society has convinced us to feel about such and such etc. Fuck, I don't know. If I didn't think some of the things I was doing weren't harmful then why would I feel the need to stop doing them... right? So maybe society has a point, eh? Maybe society got it right this time? But...what is "right?" Cause I mean what's right for me doesn't mean it's right for you or anyone else for that matter. Blah, I'm drifting... uhm... so yea.... BLOOD. It makes me horny...kind of. Something about fresh dripping blood is so... calming and sexy...and.... fulfilling to me. I'm not even sure if those are the words I want to use but they're what came to mind. I could look at photos of cutters and freak accidents all day (slight exaggeration) Also, let me state I have no desire in partaking in the cutting although if you let me cut you ....ha...just....kidding... :/ SO yea.... It has to be real though or at least convincing. I get irritated when I see fake zombie photos and artists portraying graphic vampires and recreating murder scenes....it bores me. And no I'm not for the mutilated and deformed body parts and faces. It's just...the blood. Is it really possible that I just have to have that GORE fix? That dark, disturbing piece in my system? It's like since I'm not fucking, smoking, over-drinking, mentally ruining myself... the next best thing is.... blood? I've created this theory. It's obviously not well thought out and it may not make much sense but... I figured I'd present something.

Shall I share a bit with you?

-Me of course.

Lol

2011-06-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

....I just know what I want :)

-me.

EX marks the ?

2011-06-09T12:32:00.001-07:00

I don't remember the last time I got so angry I cried. I can't fucking remember. But today, we can mark the date because I reached that point. Our relationship then... so unhealthy, seemingly, our relationship now... kind of unhealthy. And to think, this is the very beginning. Shit, we're not even together and I got so frustrated and fed up that I cried. When I said I'm refusing to settle, I meant it. I won't have an unhealthy relationship, and if he's not willing to change, then that's what it would be and that is why he and I WON'T be. I'm.Not.Settling. This isn't even worth going in about, I have no energy to discuss the situation lol. Just like I said in my last post, I'm not going to waste time being with people I know in my heart are not the ones. No love lost but, we are not it.

-Sydni

Keep the Art Alive

2011-06-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

So I've recently created a strict regimen for me to follow on off days. Monday had me feeling rather unproductive and I refuse to feel such a way ever again. I think it's time to get back into all of the things I've allowed to slip away from me and to make sure I keep my talents fresh and my brain working. For example I'm making it a point to play my piano for at least an hour a day, as well as write a poem/story/song once a day as well, no exceptions. Along with that, I must research thoroughly a new topic of interest every day. (by everyday I do mean..every....off day lol) I think it's safe to say we fall off simply because we have the room to do so. When you're working a lot you tend to show your passions a little less attention in efforts to survive and still have some sort of a social life. Not cool. I'm working mainly to help fund my artistic endeavors, aside from of course wanting to move back out of my mother's house and to pay for the oh so lovely jeep that will be parked outside of my place quite soon. Really though, I'm aiming to be "better" all around. I've been doing a lot of brain exercises to help my memory, speed, mind flexibility, etc. Also, the whole vegetarian lifestyle, I'm trying to eat a lot healthier work out as often as possible etc. I think with age I've really become interested/slightly obsessed with Health. Possibly because at one point I could have been considered a hypochondriac. Not fun. I really was careless with my mind and body going through my late teen and early adult years. Yes I'm still a young adult but I'm glad I've caught on now. I would hate to go out on some deathbed sick shit... that's just not me. I don't ever want the hospital to be a frequent visiting spot for me so I think it's important I really buckle down and take care of myself. Also, I've realized I'd prefer for my man to be on the same tip as well. We've both got to be enthusiastic about the spiritual and physical aspects of our lives. I need him... maybe her, to want to live a healthy lifestyle and to be spiritually immersed as my lover, or partner, or husband ...ah..whatever, you get my drift.

So, I feel terrible. Last night I made the decision to sort of cut off the relationship between a guy I've been seeing and myself. "Cut off" isn't the best phrase but to put it simply...eh. I just don't see a future with him and I felt like I was wasting his time carrying on this relationship that may not be going anywhere. Of course because this isn't the first time this has happened to him I really feel like a bad person...like I'm just another bitch that doesn't appreciate a good guy. Tis not the case though and I hope he understands that. I love and appreciate his friendship but we're not the people we were when we first met and to be honest the spark isn't really there for me anymore. I have this image...these standards, for the ideal guy for me and although he's a GREAT guy I'm not sure he's the great guy for Sydni. I care for him though... a lot and I'd love for us to continue and work on a friendship but he claims it isn't possible...hmph. I suppose I understand...and even if I don't I have to deal with it. To be honest, I think with one of the previous guys I'd dated, I experienced this "connection" or what I thought was a connection that nothing has really been measured up to yet. Well, that's not completely true.... there was a lover who I connected with like nothing in this world and at least I know that was real. And then again there was...let me stop. But yea...anyway... it sucks that I'm comparing, but ever since those two/three relationships, if it doesn't feel like that or at least CLOSE to it.... I can't really move forward. Knowing that something that intense exists out there, I have no choice but to find it and have it for myself. And I don't think I can find it if I'm occupied trying to make it work with people I know in my heart aren't the ones for me.

So... here I sit, alone and perfectly content. There's someone else I have to deal with as well but, that's for later :/

It's been a brilliant day :)

-Ziggy

Sex With Society

2011-06-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

Kendrick Lamar continues to blow me away. I mean from the very beginning I've been impressed and the progression he's showing just sends me over the edge. Talk about music of substance? This is it! But it's not just that conscious music where niggas feel like they can't vibe to it because it isn't "cool" enough but he puts his own twist on it and educates people while fucking the shit out of the instrumental. His flow is just clean. More of THIS less of that other shit..... nahmean?

And this is for anyone who hasn't seen the "Hiii Power" video yet produced by the lovely J.Cole himself. What a team right? All I'm saying is... if you still haven't hopped on the K.L. team...you're slackin...big time. lol.

-Ziggy

Mom

2011-06-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I laughed...... hard.

-Syd

4 Sacrificial Valleys

2011-06-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

I have 4 days off... the fuck am I supposed to do with that? *sigh*... Let me not complain. Tomorrow and Sunday should be fairly busy as it is and I do have a few shoots I can get done within this short break... or whatever you want to call it. But to be honest, I really need a second job. Four days off isn't what's up, nor what's needed. I'm on a quest damnit... the quest of conquer and this shit involves money and lots of it lol. Speaking of, just last night I was having a debate with a friend of mine and he was telling me that in order for me to thrive financially in my crafts I would have to sacrifice artistically. Mm, I disagree...strongly. He asked me for examples of artists who did both and sadly enough my list was short. Erykah Badu being the first to come to mind, he argued that the only reason she's still relevant is because of her large ass display in the Window Seat video. Does anyone else agree with this?! :/ It may have some truth to it but in retrospect the album as a whole was brilliant! And if it took a little ass to get people to pay attention well SO BE IT! Does that take away from my argument? Am I losing? Gah, I'm not looking to be famous here. I just want to express and get paid for it is all. I'm looking for financial stability and of course...a little more *wink wink* lol. I'm determined to prove him wrong and anyone else who feels that art and survival can't ride in the same boat. Sure, I'm aware I live in the land of starving artists, but maybe their networking skills are lacking :/

So, my ex is back in town... I told you all yea? ... maybe not. Well, since he's been back I've decided to give him another go and I suppose you can say date a little bit to see if we've got it in us to go another round. We don't. I'm seeing that now... RIGHT NOW. I am writing this after having gotten off the phone with him about 5 minutes ago. We're arguing...already. And I see now..right now...that he hasn't changed much. I'm telling you, when a guy wants you, his acting skills are heightened to the umpteenth power. He was so sweet a month ago. He wouldn't argue with me if his life depended on it. But now that I'm actually answering his phone calls and allowing him halfway back into my life he feels all willy nilly enough to cop an attitude. The type of "I'm just going to try and switch this back on you" type attitude. Yea, I'm not on that level... I'm far beyond it. Excuses...far beyond em'. So when he attempted to explain himself and I told him I didn't care, his voice revealed a blow to the chest. Yea... no. I'm not doing it. If we're not even committed to one another and we're already arguing, I can only imagine what our relationship would be like once we became exclusive.

Everyone keeps asking why I'm still single... this my friends... this is why. Who's worthy? No one yet.

Next topic. I'm looking for another apartment and all the best deals are in the valley. -_- I don't want to live in the valley. That is all.

-Ziggy

Heh

2011-06-01T01:37:00.000-07:00

I used to ask myself, why me? Now I'm asking... who's worthy?

-Sydni

My ex...

2011-05-31T00:46:00.000-07:00

... he seems to constantly fall in and out of relationships, and all I want to tell him is that they aren't the one. Not because I am... but simply because they are not. But..... maybe I am.... aha.

I also understand this is just me wanting what I can not have. (maybe)

...so let's laugh about it.

No but seriously... they aren't.

-Ziggy

P.S. - yea..... Ziggy.

This time around....

2011-05-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

What do you think about when the current moment has become a bit repetitive, the future is non-existent and the past is irrelevant? .... I've been daydreaming... a lot. Mainly on the bus rides home. The vibrations coming through the floor made me horny this time around. I'm sure people aren't comfortable with me staring so my imagination has no choice but to go to work. I live an entirely different life inside of my head. Well, not entirely different but I suppose the better version of me. Although I'm happy here, today, right now... I'm still working to get so much further. Now that I think about it I'm not sure it's daydreaming...maybe planning? *shrugs* It's kind of crazy to think where I could have been if I had this mindset three years ago. I didn't though, and I probably never would have had I not battled my way through those 3+ years of emotional and mental chaos. It blows me that whenever someone shares their pain with me I have it in me to say, I "used" to feel that way... or... "I've been there before." I'm not there anymore and now standing on the outside of that Hell I desire so deeply to pull people out.

These days, I'm finding it difficult to express all the things I consider throughout the day. I mean there's just so much. I'm trying not to be so loquacious and redundant with these blogs but they're all pretty much pointing in the same direction. Don't get me wrong they're progressive but more so in an emotional sense in which I'm not too sure I can put into words. I've got three years of posts in this thing where I ride an insanely loopy rollercoaster. One of which I have hit the "highest" (or so I thought) of highs and I hope the lowest of low down dirty lows (can't imagine it getting any worse.) I mean there's been plenty of posts where I claimed to have found peace and at that very moment I'm sure I had. But it was never a long term peace. It was more so a short wave of joyous epiphany minus the grasp on.....hmmm... GOD... ACTION... ME. I was lacking all of these things. And while I felt like I had it figured out that was indeed, ironically the issue at hand. I never had it figured out lol. I was running in place. Sweating out calories only to eat a piece of cake once home. Do I have it figured out now you ask? Well, of course not. But that's where the growth lies; in understanding that life is..lack of... comprehension lol. I'm not even sure if that's it either. Maybe... comprehension is all one's own. Duh...right? This goes into perspective and that would be me getting repetitive because I'm almost sure I've written this story already. Perspective.....world....runs it? Right..ok.

Well, it was lovely. I have work in the morning and I need to paint my nails before I head off to bed.

2 offers... one heart... next lifetime.

-vent for another day.

-Ziggy

An hour ago....

2011-05-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

.... I met my soulmate. :)

-Ziggy

Creep - You

2011-05-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

So, I NEED for YOU to watch this.....ALL of this.

CREEP - You (feat Nina Sky)

-Ziggy

Gimme sum mo'!

2011-05-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

The human in me has kicked in and I'm feeling slightly unfulfilled. You'd think I'd be satisfied with all the grand things that have come to be as of late but, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and thankful for it all but.... I want more.

-Ziggy

Deal Em Eh?

2011-05-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hi there. I have a dilemma :/. So, a few months back I had 1/2 ass threesome with my homegirl and her boyfriend. Yea I never really do a full on intercourse with the guy therefore it's a 1/2ass3some lol. Anyway, lately, the three of us have been hanging out and my homegirl occasionally passes out due to too much liquor intake, and her boyfriend has been feeling rather BOLD. He had the nerve to try and get touchy feely with me and expect me to just be all gun-ho about the shit. Now, it's true, every time this happens (twice) he's extremely drunk....usually vomits an hour later. Still, I know this isn't enough of an excuse. So they've been together for almost 3 years now and I know it is probably best for me to go ahead and tell her but I really hate to add complications to their relationship. I figure I just need to have a one on one talk with him and explain to him how vital it is that he never does that stupid shit again or else of course I'm going to have to tell. But, firstly, I don't really have that opportunity and secondly and I suppose most importantly if it were the other way around, I wouldn't want my friend warning the nigga, I'd rather her just tell me right off back. I don't know what to do. I hate that I've been put in this position. I really can't stand a nigga who feels like he can get away with that type of shit but I'm trying to understand that he's young and in those situations...really fucking drunk. I'm thinking maybe he just needs to be put in check....? No? Initially, my ex told me it wasn't that big of a deal for me to go and cause issues with the two of them, but still I can't help but to think if it was ME in that situation. I guess I kinda know what I have to do. Really sucks... we were all such grand buddies. *shrugs*

-Ziggy

Him, Her & Them

2011-05-19T01:32:00.000-07:00

Here we are with another batch of my latest photos. I know it's a lot...bare with me. The subjects are rather attractive, it shouldn't be too hard :)

Meet James......

Sade....

Gene & friends....

-Ziggy :)

Dance With Me

2011-05-19T01:20:00.000-07:00

Let's compress it... hold it all in until it explodes, creating something more beautiful than we ever allowed ourselves to imagine. Dipping ourselves in pain only to be licked clean by pleasure. Let's not measure the distance it no longer exists this is just where it ends and I'm enjoying the blend of everything that's not supposed to be. We break molds and bend bars leaving scars forgetting why we initially cut to begin with. Dancing around creating designs with the blood we shed. How beautiful...

-Ziggy

A few words

2011-05-18T02:40:00.000-07:00

I suppose I've been inspired to write. A poem would be nice but I'm in no mood to be fancy. I'm about as sore as a virgin after her first time and I'm anticipating the massive poop I'm going to have to take in the a.m. due to the smooth move tea I just guzzled. Yum. Hmm, what do I have to say? Not much I guess. One's love life is usually an interesting topic but I just so happen to be committed to thine self. I must say the sex is MAGNIFICENT! I squirted for the first time the other week lol. Oh the things a vibrator can do...smh. My next sex partner....like the others (who am I fooling?) is going to have to work wonders in order to get me nutty. My lack of orgasm during sex is equivalent to the amount of married faithful male politicans..... nonexistent. ahaaa....? no? (I was trying to think of something funny but my brain is stuck on tumblr porn.) Anywho, I'm single, as I was saying previously. I almost had a few run-ins with potentials but I prayed to God to show me their intentions and he has showed them right out the door. They were both exes....says a lot eh? It feels good to not care much though. I thought I'd be more torn up about it but I'm actually a bit relieved.

So, Kid Cudi's concert is coming up. I'm pretty amped about that being that we've got V.I.P. tickets...open bar and such.(i'm not an alcoholic :/ lol) What I'm even more amped about? Our 4 day trip to the Springs :). I don't even want to talk about it. Just know you should be jealous if you're not there. Gah, I'm sleepy...and cold. I still have on gym clothes...no bueno. My chocolate Goober is writing me a poem so I'm going to sleep feeling special. Although I tend to feel that way on the regular these days anyhow. Can I tell you all something? ....

YOU CHOOSE!!!

beeteedub "I'm Beaming" by L. Fiasco is totally my theme song right now.

Goodnight :D

-Ziggy

Beau&Wyntonio

2011-05-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted much of my work lately so I'm going to begin by updating you all on Beau and Wyntonio! Beau, my love...already 1 year old and has SO much character. Wyntonio, the trumpet player. If you're looking for some new sounds you can click HERE and check out some of his latest music :) Enjoy folks!

Caffeine Killer

2011-05-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Yikes! Coffee...definitely not my cup of tea. (cause it's coffee....get it? lol) Yea uhm....whatever. So last year some time, I got up for work after an extremely late night and was in desperate need of a "pick me up." So, my step-pops suggested this Chinese coffee we had somewhere in the deep crevices of our cabinet. Said it was strong, and it'd be perfect to get me going again . So I drank the coffee thinking nothing of it's hardcore reputation and next thing you know, I'm at work having the most intense anxiety attack. I mean hyperventilating, crying...just lowball FREAKING OUT. It finally wore off after about 2 hours and I returned to my normal state, swearing off Chinese coffee for the rest of my life. Why am I sharing this with you? Well because this morning, again, after a late night I woke up thank GOD without a hangover BUT feeling a little slow and slightly drowsy. So I....*cough*... needing a slight "pick me up" ... *cough* ...decided to have a cup of coffee. 30 minutes later I'm feeling uneasy, I randomly begin tearing up, over analyzing shit I could've swore I was past and bleeding far too much emotion. Every little thing began to annoy me and I found myself suffocating a happy face stress ball. (you know the little squishy ball stress thingies) Yea... I didn't understand where all of this was coming from initially. Like how do you go from such inner peace and happiness to drastic might I mention, UNNECESSARY anxiety?! I'm thinking....oh yea this is the devil...he really wants me on his team. Sitting here trying to figure out why he's working so hard on me, repeating over and over to myself that it's a continuous fight and the only solution is to stay strong in Faith. (yes of course I'm sure all this is true but, I probably was taking it a little further than needed.) Anyway, after staring at my computer screen for 20 minutes I came to the realization that it was the FUCKING COFFEE!! And now.... I'm OK :)

-Sydni

Gratitude

2011-05-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm so grateful. There isn't really anything else. I don't think I have it in me at the moment to write some extensive blog post because all I feel right now is gratitude. That sort of puts it all together for me. If you knew what I came from and where I'm standing currently along with where I'm headed...you still wouldn't fathom the appreciation I have or the peace or happiness that I feel. I'm almost at a loss for words.....almost lol. God has brought me out of the own pitiful misery I had created for myself and I couldn't be more thankful. It blows my mind that it took me this long to realize that with him is where I needed to be. My life has changed...drastically. I imagine not so much to the naked eye but just yesterday I had a friend tell me I was "glowing." Me...glowing, smh. I don't have to pretend to be happy anymore. I don't have to dress up in peace because it's already there! Daaaaaaamn homie. Just a few months back I was asking someone if it was possible to get out of the mental fuck I was in. I see now.... IT IS SO POSSIBLE!!!! Wow....WOW! I'm learning to succeed in silence so I still don't have much of a desire to express what's going on in my life but....gaaahhhh gha AJFnasdfjAKLDEMSKNwej! *sigh* Life is GOOD. GOD...is GOOOOOOD! lol. I'm too jumbled inside to really keep going.

LONG LIVE THE ALIVE! :)

-Sydni

It Happens to Be

2011-03-12T03:41:00.000-08:00

Im just trying to keep up….with me.

Buried underneath a bunch of my own debree.

I exploded into pieces but it wasn’t all of she…

never admits to same person.

especially to one who’s anything like me.

We do this often,

Design our own coffin

take turns building until we’re both exhausted

How could I expect love this way?

Few understand and even still it’s too much for they

Trying to make eye contact yearning to look away

Never watched a story unfold quite this way

And this is the moment where I regret coming

…..He says.

I wasn’t expecting such feeling.

Running seems most appealing

Although this is so refreshingly revealing.

I think I love you.

And if I do, I take it back

please don’t react

Not wanting to attract

.....connection.

But damn it’s here and it’s so close to perfection.

Granny told me no such thing.

But, you’re like Winter being chased by Spring

I come before you only to follow…

And when I’m overflowing, you can make me hollow

I said it…

you live inside of me

And everything that’s fucked up about you

is just inviting to me.

What you've blocked in the shot

I’ve just been dying to see

Your story is one I’ve been trying to read

Attempting to write myself in, underlining the WE,

and now when you’re gone I just struggle to BE.

-Sydni

Cun Futting

2011-03-09T15:30:00.001-08:00

While playing the bloody game of bottle caps may be strangely pleasing, receiving the stares and questions of which an on the border suicidal depressed cutter would, well....it's not worth it. *sits bottle cap down*

-Sydni

Cadillac Fix

2011-03-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

I've been placed in the strangest mood. Not somewhere I really care to be honestly. Just a while ago, I experienced a young man shooting up heroine in his car in front of my home. So what right? Yea, initially I was shamefully excited... but now, I just feel... dark. Aside from all of the other emotions I'm experiencing at this very moment, that visual just presented something so intense for me. Sure I've seen people snort coke, and pop pills, and I've read and seen movies about all the other hardcore drugs but to watch that for myself ...in reality... man, it's so much different. It's actually a bit painful. This is the world we're living in and it's fucking rough out here. I wish I could've reached out to him, sat with him while he went through that entire familiar, regrettable process. What a place to be...

-Sydni

Break

2011-03-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

THROUGH :)

Flu Through Ya

2011-03-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

My Ting and I.
I don't think anything nor anyone inspires me the way my past self does. How cocky is that right? I know, but it's true. I occasionally go through some of my old posts and am always in awe by my then state of mind. Right now... I'm inspired. I am also getting over the stomach flu (yak) That shit was ALL BAD. Waking up at 3 am with your mouth bubbling over with 5 hour old pasta is the exact opposite of "the business." Glad to finally feel semi-normal.

So I haven't been very, "about me" lately on my blog. I attempted to do that letter challenge but grew bored with it when I reached "My Dreams." Not that my dreams are boring but, you guys need not be put up on things that are going to happen for me in the future. I'd rather you all be surprised and totally blown away :) Yes..that will be the case. Gah, I'm trying to get dro'd right about NOW. The urge just hit like the stomp of an overweight elephant. My current interest wouldn't appreciate me indulging. He doesn't like smoking...or drinking...or anything FUN! lol just kidding, he's tons of fun, just a bit of a good boy. Total opposite of what I'm used to. Funny, he's been in my life for longer than most of the past "boos" have and this is the first time we've actually gotten to bask in each other's presence on somewhat of a consistent basis. It's new. It's going to finally give us the answer to the question we've held for a good 6 years now; Are we meant to be together? *sigh* Grr.... I have so many thoughts on this subject but I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss them on thee good ol blogspot yet. I doubt he reads my blog like that anyway but just in case I'm wrong, I'd rather not give him ALL OF THAT...if you know what I mean.

Did I tell you guys I've gone vegetarian? I'm sure I've mentioned it... if not, well... I'm a stone cold vegetarian folks. I am currently two months strong :) Maybe that's not a lot to any of you but it sure is to a girl who loved chicken the way I did. I attempted to go vegan but realized it's a bit too difficult for such a newbie and after doing a bit of research, it's kind of impossible. I mean...fuck, I hate when I start talking about stuff I'm not in the mood to really go into.....soo...yea.... uhm....moving on....

I'm feeling pretty good these days. I mean you know how I am with my bi-polar, multi personality having ass. One day it's this...next day it's that. What can I say? Tis mua folks...and that is all I have to offer.

-Sydni

BeauTheDon

2011-02-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

-EsMiguelDavi'

Bitches Beaches n' Bars

2011-02-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

Letter Challenge Day 4 - Sibling

2011-02-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Ninja,

You're dope....as fuck. I wonder if you know that the way I do. I feel like I've written this letter time and time again just in different forms but, here it is again. In all the ways I've developed this creativity, majority of it was from your influence. So when you boast about your talented little sister who does this and does that, I hope you understand that's all from YOU. You, like mommy, drive me crazy sometimes....not as much as she does, and truthfully since we've gotten older really not much at all. You do play the occasional "mommy" role sometimes and I have to admit I want to throw rocks at your glasses but I know it's because you're concerned. You mean the world to me and I hate to see you in pain. I know it festers deep inside of you because every red moon it surfaces and I wish I could help you defeat it...but I can't. That's up to you. You deserve to be happy and in order to get there I think it's necessary for you to let go of your past. Let go of all the things that ever made you question yourself and all the things that put fear or pain in your heart. The longer you hold on...the longer you await the peace. I will never feel what you've felt but in my own naive way, I can relate, I want you to know that. You are one of the most genuine individuals I've ever come across and I'm proud to call you my older sister. I love the way we connect and our random in depth conversations about WHATEVER. You...are dope...as fuck. I love you regardless of the ways I show it. I think the whole family has come to realize that I'm kind of stuck in my own head, yet...you continue to support me on every path I walk...I couldn't ask for more. I don't really know where or who i'd be if it wasn't for you. You are my biggest supporter and I hope I am or can be yours.

Love, Momma's baby

Letter Challenge Day 3 - Parents

2011-01-28T11:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

Firstly, I considered writing this to you both as a pair, but immediately realized that would be impossible. I imagine you both have sincere and beautiful intentions when it comes to your youngest daughter but in no way can I say something to you and mean it when in regards to him as well. Aside from "Thank you for my great childhood." But this goes deeper than what I remember from back then. This is more than just a "thanks" to you both. Mom, you literally drive me crazy sometimes....I mean you really really do. But when you're not driving me nuts, I am so utterly imbued with LOVE for you. You're pretty fucking amazing (excuse my language.) I can't imagine what's it's like having me for a daughter. An occasionally self absorbed, rebellious, hardheaded, brilliant but lacking far too much, daydreaming, hypochondriac. How do you deal? I want to be better for you understanding that you never asked for this. I know you would have loved for me to go to college and land some grand job but I just couldn't take that path. Maybe my reasoning will never make sense to you...maybe I will never make sense to you but you love me anyway. You deal with all my bullshit, but sometimes I wish you'd support me more. Lately you have taken quite a step in showing some sort of interest in my art...but I wish you sincerely cared. I wish you were begging me to show you what else I've come up with. I can't blame you for being you, I can't switch the experiences that shaped you or the lifestyle you've lived nor do I want to...sometimes I just want you to see that I'm pretty damn wise myself and maybe there's a method to my madness. You've treated me well and have always allowed me to be ME even though I know it made your skin crawl at times. I'm difficult....but..guess who I get it from? I love you for all that you are you strong, hardworking, determined, beautiful woman.

Love, Your youngest

Dear Dad,

Well, let me begin by apologizing. Apologizing for the extensive length of time it is taking me to forgive you wholeheartedly. I would be a fool and a liar if I said you weren't the BEST father a girl could have growing up. I was a daddy's girl, that's just what it WAS. What a drastic change we've danced through eh? I suppose neither of us were really dancing. I spent most of my time pretending like it didn't effect me while I bestowed my "love" to strangers in any way they found fitting which time and time again just happened to be through my body. I'm sure you were hurting in ways you never thought you would and I hate knowing that I did that to you but...I was hurting too. I still am. I feel like a big chunk of who I could've been has been ripped from me because you weren't here to guide me. Part of me felt like there was no way you could teach me ANYTHING after what I learned about your past. It's still hard for me to be around you because it all still feels so fresh...not to mention I notice things about you now that show me just how human you are and man it continues to blow my mind. This is where more mature, wise Sydni kicks in and goes..."HUMAN!!! HUMAN!" Haha..you're human...I get it. I really want to have a better relationship with you. I want to talk to you more often about what's going on in my life aside from the "catch up" every few months. I want you to know I care. I know I can learn a lot from you but a piece of me won't allow me to. I can't stand it when you scold me or try to tell me I'm living my life wrong. I feel like you're the one person who has no right to judge but YOU do...and I think that's what i'm struggling to get past. I can't take you judging me...I won't allow it. I love you dad, I do...in ways that you may never understand but I still need a little bit more time. I also need you to stop pushing the whole religion gig on me.....really. If I decide to make my way into church, trust me you'll be the first to know but until then...it's gotta stop. Funny, I'm talking to you like you'll read this...I know you won't..part of me doesn't want you to. I suppose this is where I go wrong...not sending this letter filled with a possible solution...communication. I didn't want this to be a bash. I had no desire to come here and release all the ways you make me scream but this is what I have living inside of me...this pain. I never thought i'd get teary eyed when discussing my father to other people but I do.....I hate this. I hate what we've become and the fact that these wounds haven't healed is completely my fault. It makes me sick that I can't get over the shit. I love you but you make me angry. You make me sad. Sometimes I think that I'm so fucked up in the head because of you. I feel like it's your fault. But....it's not and I don't want to blame you anymore. I've gotten emotional...I may go on forever. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you! I promise one day I'll be able to show it again. Forgive me for not forgiving you.

Love, The Apple of Your Eye

Letter Challenge Day 2 - Crush

2011-01-26T21:39:00.000-08:00

Dear....You,

Where do I begin? How...do I begin, to even expose the ways I want you? In my own language perfection would be written with the letters of your name. Funny, when I describe my ideal man, in so many ways, you do not match up, but you tend to float above on a level only you can provide. When our conversations end I am left fulfilled but painstakingly craving more. I can't get enough of you, I don't.... get enough of you. We're friends, I'm sure that's all you see between the two of us excluding the desire to explore me sexually one improvisational evening and I wouldn't dare be hesitant to play the role. Maybe you're not the one for me, maybe we aren't compatible and I'm okay with that but I'm in need of more you. I'd like to kiss you and discover whether you send shocks through my torso the way I fantasize. I want you to miss me when I'm away and I want to be the bearer of your news ... I dream of even your fine print. I want to know you....I want to see through who you pretend to be when your emotions are afraid to reveal themselves. I want you to depend on me, get angry when I'm not available for your own selfish exigencies. If I could have this for one day....that would be enough. I suppose it's the mystery of it all, I'm just so fucking curious. You do this to me. Maybe it's best we're friends, I like the image I hold of you now and won't even consider the possibility of you being a disappointment. If you gave me anymore I can't say I wouldn't fall in love. I've fallen for the mystery of you....

Sincerely, ME

Letter Challenge Day1 -Best Friend

2011-01-25T22:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Gels,

It says to write this to my best friend and the only person I can think of is you. Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way I do about our friendship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person you can think of when someone brings up the term "best friend." You may not...but yet I can't seem to pull myself away from the thought that if I had to know anyone for the rest of my life, it would be you. You know me better than anyone does if it's even possible to say anyone knows me. We're total opposites yet you "get" me. Sometimes I feel like the term best friend isn't enough to describe what we have. I've known you all my life. I've watched you grow into the woman you are today and I feel this sense of peace knowing that you've become such an accomplished young woman. You know i'm not the least bit affectionate so i'm finding it a bit difficult to really let loose everything I might want to say. I hope you know I love you. I look up to you, I respect you, I admire you. I know I get into those mood swings where I feel alone and like I have no real friends but I pray you see through that, because I would die if I ever lost you. So if you never knew, you are my best friend. Whether I'm yours or not, that's just what it is for me. I have to be honest you may never get anything like this from me ever again...well..possibly on your wedding day, or when you have your first child but aside from that, this is it lol. I love you bitch.

Love, Sydni.

30 day Letter Challenge

2011-01-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

So my friend Mike over at Twisted Whispers put me up on this 30 day letter challenge. It seems like quite an emotional and fulfilling experiment. The question is, do you send the letters, or do you keep them to yourself? I mean honestly, I feel like either way it's beneficial to you. Sometimes writing to someone, can expose feelings you never really knew you had, whether these feelings be about that person or yourself. Just reading the day to day recipients of the letters got me teary eyed lol. I feel like sending the letters is what really makes it a challenge, but I don't know if I have the balls to do that. I'm contemplating the idea... I think it's brilliant, I just need to find it in myself to let these people in on exactly how I feel about them. I think it's best to go about it as though you wouldn't send the letter, that way it's more genuine...but of course in the end...best bet is to send it...see what you get out of it. Maybe someone's been waiting for you to open up. Maybe they have something to share as well but didn't have the courage to let you know. Gah...I think i'm going to do it...just don't know when lol. You should do it too :)

-Syd

WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — 10-Year old you

Day 9 —Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

BTW

2011-01-20T11:57:00.001-08:00

I really am a good person. If you're offended or thrown off by anything I say on here i.e; my fuck letter below...well..... uhm.. get THE FUCK OFF. Sometimes I wanna talk about sex and sometimes I wanna talk about nature. This is me reminding you, IT'S OKAY TO FEEL! Now i'll end by saying My Creator is good. lol.

rawr

-Sydni

Cream of Merlot

2011-01-20T10:49:00.001-08:00

Waiting for the water to boil. It's 10:49 and I'm just now getting up :/ Excited about this cream of wheat, more excited about the day ahead of me. I'm considering heading up to Runyon on the bus, but I don't know how I'll feel coming back on the bus all sweaty surrounded by far too many people I'm sure. I feel great. I want to say it's been almost 3 weeks that I've been meat free :D Now if only I could eliminate the milk, and the cheese. I am finding that to be extremely difficult. Lord knows I love my cheese...and gatdamnit darn near everything is made with milk! How am I supposed to have a decent cookie around here?! *calming myself* Then I realize, life is not about food *cough* lol.

Yea soooo.... I still can't speak on what's current. Although I'd really like to rant about what's going on in my life, I can't. Well I mean I can, but then it would probably be ruined. It seems as though every time I express that I'm doing something new in my life or something good is happening for me, it goes down the drain lol. So fuck it I'm not saying SHIT. I do want to thank My Creator though as well as any good energy the beautiful people are sending my way. I'm learning to send it back. Not that my energy was necessarily bad but I was never vocal about it. I'm learning to show appreciation for people and what they do....I'm learning to encourage and cheer people on. Maybe I was so scarce with my compliments because I wasn't doing what I truly wanted to do with my own life... maybe I was jealous. I'm not admitting to that but I am writing it down as a possibility. You know...one of those subconscious situations. Anyway, it's a beautiful day and I've got a few things to take care of. Back on my finding peace movement :) I suppose it's a never ending journey. Some days I'm completely serene the next day I'm downing bottles of Merlot (last night.) Although I wasn't unhappy last night, I just had an extra bottle and figured I'd kill it...well... most of it. :/ .... Okay... I know, all bad. Maybe I need help. I say I don't though, so until then, good day :D

-Sydni

I wrote you a fuck letter

2011-01-18T21:22:00.000-08:00

I was thinking I'd write you a letter.

A letter on all the ways I'd like to bone you.

Dear You,

I would enjoy you inside of me. I'd take your dick first because I don't like to follow rules. After you've cum inside of me, I then want you to taste me....taste me, dripping you. You'd be tasting you tasting me. How thrilling. Do you mind if I bring a friend? I would like for you to taste me tasting her. I'm thinking I would tie you up, as we proceed to take turns pleasuring you. I'd take my finger and allow it to find it's way into dark deep holes. Does that scare you? Are you uncomfortable? Don't be...I think you'd like it. I'd like for you to choke me. I'd like for you to tell me to shutup and kiss me passionately....maybe even spit in my mouth. I'd like to watch you fuck her for a while as well. Pleasure myself while watching you pleasure her. I'd like to sit on your face...grinding roughly across your mouth while you without choice swallow my juices. I like it from the back, do you? I'd appreciate if you'd pull my hair while thrusting yourself deeper inside of me....guide my head over to her pussy as to watch my long thick tongue trace the inside of her vagina lips pressuring her most sensitive spot. Fuck me in my mouth, then kiss me gently reminding me that you still care. Do you care? Can you pretend to? I would enjoy you enjoying me.

Love, Me.

It's true what they say

2011-01-18T20:21:00.001-08:00

I imagine it's just another thing to set me aside.

Another thing that groups me and I'm perfectly content at my own table.

But.....

I want a girlfriend.

I want a soft and sensual work of art that smells like the ocean.

I want her skin to run over me as though I'm submerged in her waterfall.

I want to play in her hair and trace her curves with the tip of my tongue.

I can't deny it any longer.

I want a girlfriend.

I want her walk to hypnotize me,

the sound of her voice to run through me like fingers on the keys of a piano.

I want her breasts to fill the cups of my hands and her lips..... soft...moist.

I want.... a girlfriend.

A lover at the least.

-Syd

Hi.

2011-01-10T22:40:00.000-08:00

This is me...not speaking on what's current.

Goodnight.

-Syd

Blaggard Hazzard Baby

2011-01-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

Here I go not sayin shit...

2010-12-20T19:24:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Continuously I just so happen to be cut out of it.

Even with the most brilliant manufacturers

I still doubt the fix...

For when it all comes together,

my piece never fits.

My peace never seems to hit

long enough for me to really comprehend it.

Not quite sure if I'm in the mood for a late night. At least my mind is peaceful today...otherwise i'd be in search of some brown to put me down. Some dro would truly be appreciated on the real real real tip...buuuut yet again I'm not sure if my mind can handle it. It was cool in the bay area but you know...a nigga's mind changes with the weather. You never know with me. Im like a big ball of possibility. Honestly...I'd rather be in the bed than here typing up this random shit. It's not even worth a post but ima do it anyway cause im feeling posty.

I began writing this sex story........

-EsMiguelDavi'

San Francisco Caught

2010-12-11T16:38:00.000-08:00

Well, at least a small piece of it. Traveled to the bay area a few days ago just to get away on some spontaneous type shit. I enjoyed the peace, the dro, the lack of Los Angeles...

-EsMiguelDavi'

SelfLove

2010-11-27T18:17:00.000-08:00

If I can't shoot you.... I'll just shoot me :)

-EsMiguelDavi'

Charged

2010-11-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

We can dance until our batteries die.

Stomping our desires into the wood floor as if to engrave some sort of permanent tile.

We were here! Remember us!

...remember we knew freedom...even if only temporarily.

We knew laughter even if followed by tears.

And I'm not sure if I'm dreaming but I like it here....

-EsMiguelDavi'

Gaba

2010-11-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

So much to do.
I'm frustrated....
...but FUCKING EXCITED!

Oh... and FUCK EVERYBODY.

I means this. :)

-EsMiguelDavi'

Simple Screamer

2010-11-13T17:52:00.001-08:00

I don't like to call myself a photographer. I don't know if it's okay to claim that title. What I do...anyone can. How I do....well... not so sure. Can I be honest here? Is it okay if I lay truth on the table? Well...I don't know SHIT about photography. Never read any books, never took any classes. I simply play with the camera as if it were some ball. Bouncing it around totally unaware of exactly where it may land but pretty sure of the area. I'm just a girl who's looking for a way to scream without ever having to open her mouth. I figured I'd share. Something I've been thinking about lately. If I'm a photographer, then I'm an actress, and a musician, a rapper, and a dancer. Don't call me a photographer...call me......hmm....call me a screamer.

-EsMiguelDavi'

LiquorBeads&MoneySeeds

2010-11-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

-EsMiguelDavi'

Day 1 Tackled even with a fumble :/

2010-11-12T13:40:00.000-08:00

So this shit is hard. A part of me this morning....or was it last night, was really trying to convince my other self that this vow of silence shit wasn't necessary. It's only the 2nd fucking day and I'm already like FUUUUUCCCCKKK!!! I stayed in the bed as long as possible this morning to avoid getting up and having to deal with the outside world. It's easier to be silent when i'm alone....obviously. Once I'm around people I feel like an idiot. Yesterday, Direct TV came over to fix our tube and of course I was the one who had to stay home and assist them. When the guy comes up to the door I immediately signal to him that I am not able to speak. He then makes his own assumption that I also...can't hear. So of course I'm writing to him what's wrong with the tube and he takes the paper...writes back...I read...write back to him back n forth u know ....middle school shit. And then I look up at him and im like....what the fuck? Nigga...I'm not deaf!! Well... I don't say that but you know...the shit showed on my face and in my hand movements lol. Finally we get things moving...he speaks, I write...he's outta there. AWKWARD! My mom and sister found that to be the joke of the century lol..smdh.

Anyway.... I've realized while running my company...or whatever you want to call it.... I have to do some sort of texting...and emailing, especially since I'm doing it for the most part....alone. And as of right now... I'm looking for a cast for my promotional video and I can only imagine what people are thinking when I write to them, "well...I'd give you my number to call but I'm mute at the moment." lol This shit sucks assholes and saggy fatboy nipples. I'm about to head over to Simply Wholesome and I just can't wait to hand them a piece of paper with my order written on it. Oh the looks I'm ready to receive. :/ Well yea.... that was my first day. Oh.... and let me be honest with all of you. You know I'm also on a veggie fast right? Only eating vegetables, well... last night I TOTALLY had a chicken burrito. Gaaaah I'm terrible I know (bbm crying face) Dude, all day I was doing so well. I had 2 bowls of corn, a small bowl of spinach, and maybe a glass or 3 of champagne. (fuck u I never said anything about drinking......ok fine...I fucked up there too but damn lol.) So yea, got weak last night and enjoyed a fat delicious chicken burrito, smfh. Yea, I'm really disappointed in myself. Like...really lol. But uh... it's day two...and I'm on my way to get some veggies. It's 2pm and I haven't eaten all day. I promise today will be better....right Sydni?!

Oh btw....let me mention how tonight http://www.wineandbowties.com is having an event tonight. One that I can NOT miss. For one, I've already promised to go. For two, I wouldn't miss a http://www.wineandbowties.com party to save my life!!! Yo if you're free tonight... you should come by.... enjoy the conversation, the drinks, the laughter, the energy.... if you see me....the awkward silence. hehe. Nah but really.. it'll be a beautiful night...mute or not. A night I'm sure will be blog worthy lol. Flier's below...COME!!!!

*sigh* Folk...send your positive energy and prayers my way. I've got 29 days to go...and it ain't no walk in the peeznark.

-EsMiguelDavi'

22, Joyful, Silent & Hungry

2010-11-11T09:58:00.000-08:00

I will state here and now, I have a grand group of friends. Even with all the shit we go through, I'd rather have them than any other group. So yesterday was my birthday, as well as my last day before my vow of silence and veggie fast. My closest friends surprised me at Kabuki last night :). Talk about a last meal....mmmmm :D. Got my sushi and plum champagne paid for and was presented with a pwetty cake. As you can see below, I had a very happy birthday! I couldn't imagine it any better. Had a party on Saturday, Tuesday night went to Cabo Cantina and got TURNT up, then Wednesday night was spent with the loves of my life. Rawr. Happy 22 year old. Entering the new year joyful, silent...and hungry. haha. I've had a bowl of corn, and some tea. :/ lol. I woke up and played the piano this morning because the sound of my own silence was already too loud. The first day is the hardest....only because all the doubt everyone else has....I hold too. I feel like once I get through this first day...I can take myself seriously. 30 days Syd.....that's nathan :)

-EsMiguelDavi'

JusticeliesInOurSkies

2010-11-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

-EsMiguelDavi'

Birthday Girl

2010-11-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

Just a few photos from my birthday party on Saturday (at least the ones with me in em') Not many, after a while you get too drunk to think about snapping photos. I had a beautiful time. The people, the drinks, the atmosphere....perfection. Plus my ex boo showed up and I mean....psh.... the night was made. Sorry there aren't more. Not that you care but... uh... maybe you were curious... ya know?

yes that is chocolate on my mouth....smh

-EsMiguelDavi'

It Shall Be Done

2010-11-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

I feel like, I'm trapped in a corner. I feel like.... I'm trapped in a corner and an unusually large spider is slowly crawling its way over to me. I have nowhere to go and I'm fucking terrified. I'm.....excited? Yes. I'm excited...and curious... anxious....and here we are back to....terrified. Nevertheless, I HAVE TO DO THIS.... I HAVE TO. I've got to flush all this shitty doubt that floats around in the pit of my stomach, keeping me from jumping off cliffs I know I have the power to fly from. I need to be able to do and feel and know that I am capable of certain things. Everyone's been asking me WHY?... WHY are you doing this? WHY for so long? WHY go mute? WHY not something else? Well....because that's what the fuck I want to do. I'm tired of explaining myself to these naysayers with their conformed spirits, not able to understand why anyone would ever want to challenge themselves or.... step out of their daily routine. And it really frustrates me when people tell me I won't be able to do this. It makes me want to spit silence into their mouths. Don't you ever get tired of talking? Don't you ever get sick of hearing your own voice? I mean... I'm over it. I've been talking for 22 fucking years. I'm over sharing my opinion, my thoughts, my dreams and aspirations with a bunch of people who don't necessarily care. They're all just nosey, or need something to occupy the dreadful silence and I don't want to be that. I want to listen. I want to give everyone else the opportunity to spill to me without my opposition or...confirmation.... or my 50cents that was never asked for. I have so much to learn, and I'm not going to learn it by teaching. I'm sure plenty of you think I'm being ridiculous, dramatic... i don't know... nor do I care. I imagine you're comfortable in your boxes. No desire to find out what it feels like outside of that 6 sided world. Well... I do....in a sickening way. Especially since I've been in this strange place for so long. I'm not really afraid of anything anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing. My mind has reached places I never really expected it to go...and I've considered so many possibilities.... I'm just... not afraid. But...with this.... I'm like...i don't know... I don't know what to expect. My fear, if to say such...it stems from... not knowing...which of course all fear does. It's so fucking refreshing. I don't have the fucking answer this time. Not saying I'm some sort of genius. My Creator knows there's a shit load of information that floats around me but has yet to enter my noggin but... I do feel like... I'm enlightened. I do feel like... I know many of the ways of the world. Although I may not always go with what I think I know.... I do feel like if I had the discipline... I could live some sort of fucking life. I'm just one of those, beings... who's just..... struggling to BE. I just want to challenge myself and figure out.... how else can I fuck my mind? And fucking the mind can be a beautiful thing....don't negate my thoughts lol. So yea.....I'm going MUTE. I'm taking a vow of silence....and....no matter what anyone says... I won't stray from this.

-EsMiguelDavi'

Uncertain

2010-11-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

"I haven't told you that I love you lately because I'm unsure of what I mean.

I love you... but what implications am I making, and can I give myself freely over to them without bleeding all over you."

-Brandon Wint

Vanwiggy

2010-11-04T20:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's safe to say I dressed up on Halloween. This is something I'd wear on a regular day and uh... yea...that's the wig I was talking about in my last post. hehe. Halloween night..... TRASHED. I mean I was completely wasted. Did some things I don't remember, did some things I'm not too proud of but that's for another day when it's far enough for me to laugh at. Today is not that day.

My head is so fucking massive...

I wish I had more to say.... but.... I don't.

-EsMiguelDavi'

Turn the volume down.

2010-11-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

My hands are clammy, I feel moist, my Halloween wig still rests a tad bit too tight over my fuzzy but lovely locks, and my forehead is angry with my eyes for constantly forcing it to wrinkle due to lack of clear vision. Wednesday, is my birthday. My 22nd one. Thursday, I go mute. Oh....and hungry. I'm terrified with excitement. No... it's not Halloween... nor the day after... I just..... really....really like this.....wig. *clears throat*

Why after my birthday? Well... because that's when the year is new for me. I don't really understand the whole 12 month thing anyhow. The growth of a fetus to an actual air breathing baby is a 9 month process....where did they pop off with these 3 extra months? Yea so... naw. While yall fuckin around waiting for man made ass New Year. I'm coming into my New Year silent and hungry and open for all on November 11th, the day after my lovely birthday (take note.) Funny thing...I'm in the middle of a huge project and I can easily say this is absolutely the worst timing for such an experiment. Me going mute while working on this project is actually quite...ironic....yea? Well, here; I suppose I explain why. The project i'm working on is primarily about giving "the people"... you....me... a voice. Ha...and here I am, taking mine away. Get it? ......the irony I mean. Haha. Yea so anyway, this should be interesting. I've been talking since my womb days and now I've gotta go a whole month with not a single word?! Not a tweet, nor a facebook status, and according to Mr. Heat, I shouldn't be texting either. I mean damn..... a nigga is about to be straight....missing... just unavailable like a motherfucker. Well...except for....this here. You can find me here...screaming.

Smfh.....what the hell am I doing?

-EsMiguelDavi'

Blaucka!

2010-10-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

A challenge awaits.....

Until then.... here are some photos.

-EsMiguelDavi'

My Murderer Saved My Life

2010-10-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

I might've written enough already.
I might've said my piece.
I might have changed a life today
but I can't find my me
and while it's obviously frightening
and it may be impossible for you to relate,
I just found the strangest peace drifting in my slate
I never have to live up to who I claim to be
Cause I don't even know who that is
I can't find my me.
It's funny...
It's comforting...
It's a thriller in disguise.
I apologize if you enjoy the movie but this is where it subsides

Dear thief,

Hopefully a murderer, I hope you get away. I hope you take my me and every part of it you slay. I hope you burn the body and eat the ashes for lunch, and then I hope you off yourself the next day at brunch.

Yours truly,

-Me....

her?

Somebody.

Do not be alarmed... don't feel bad for me.
I hope someone steals your you and exchanges it for peace.

-SydniMichael

You caught me sneezing.

2010-10-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

Where did I go??
And.. where did I find this person who has taken me over?
Why did I ever let me go?
I try, and I try and I try to be somebody.....
I'm trying to be SOMEBODY as if who I was or... who I am isn't quite enough.
As if the person i'm trying to be is better than who I am.
Who am I?
And where the fuck did I go???
No wonder, I never feel comfortable around...anyone or in any situation unless I'm alone....
and even then... i'm sitting in this body, trying to love myself.
Trying to tell myself that i'm perfect.
Convincing myself that these thoughts are normal.... and that i'm on the right path it's just rocky...
but now i'm sitting here.... and i don't know if that's completely true.
i've been lieing to myself.
i'm like a mother who doesn't want to tell her child, she's adopted.
I've adopted this girl.... this creature..... and i'm trying to make her mine... but she isn't mine.
She doesn't feel... or smell like mine.
When I taste her blood... it tastes foreign....
cause it isn't mine.
It will never be mine.... and I now see... that the sooner I realize that.... the sooner I can find mine.
But.... I don't really know how.
I don't know where to look.... or even what to look for.

She said she was living in this perfect world.... and the only thing I could think of to find a world like that for myself.... was to die. Was to OFF myself. I don't know if I'm crying because i'm emotional, or because i'm floating in this epiphany....or... because I actually considered suicide. Someone asked me the other day if I'd ever thought of committing such and I stood my ground proudly on the fact that I would never ever take my life away.... the thought had never even crossed my mind. And then today came. And I no longer can say I've never been to a place that shallow....barely any air.
Slits of oxygen race by daring you to breathe
Yet you've found comfort in your suffering

I'm not comfortable here anymore.

This watered down version of me.

How deep do you have to go to realize you've gone far enough?

I pray I'm here....

I can honestly say... I don't want to take a step further. It's dark enough. If I could capture every slice of oxygen... I would... and I'd hold it... and breathe it...over and over and over again and AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAAAAIIINNN!!

Who likes breathing?

Perfect world.... lol.

?

Reincarnation?

Heaven?

Is my curiosity subconsciously trying to OFF me?
hahahahaha.

"I just wanna know" she whispers.

And then what?

-Sydni Michael

Babysitter Dreams

2010-09-30T00:08:00.000-07:00

You should never let a crazy girl watch your children. She's probably got her head in the clouds busting her brains trying to figure out why the plane isn't high enough to disappear into their drift of existence. Promising her second self to only see the beauty in all, rather than focusing on the fact that her entire right hand was as wrinkled as balled up scraps of forgotten attempts at a decent poem when she hopped out the shower this afternoon. Making too much sense in her ignorance of everything clever. Trying to discover what ruined her...or if she's even ruined at all. The things most fear.....she embraces them as if they were her newborns...caressing their heads and praying they grow to be something beautiful. Replacements...these fears. Replacing the aborted. I imagine it isn't healthy. She sees lightning and imagines in great detail what jerking movements her body would make if struck...like the way she does when riding passenger. Contemplating if it'd be more romantic landing on her face or her back. Dead...hoping someone finally falls in love with her for all that she is....nothing...everything? Wanting so badly to be everything wholeheartedly...not just for the moment...but always...always everything. The impossibility of it all orbiting her mind like the lingering disappointment of one less spot in a game of musical chairs. She finds herself giving up the fight....merely waiting. She sleeps on waiting....wakes up waiting....laughs, fucks, bleeds on waiting. Her third self a broken record... "this is only a phase." Three school girls in a vicious quarrel over who's next to double dutch....who has the power to make the ropes go......or stop. Everyone's tired of turning. She's tired of turning. She can't let go... the other two won't let her. You should never let a crazy girl watch your children.... she's never really watching.

-SydniMichael

Anne Frank meets Johnny Depp

2010-08-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

Oh my.... I can't even describe the way I feel about Jaredt, his modeling skills, and these damn photos. There are plenty more, but for now this is what you get. If it's up to me.. you will see... much much more from him. Please do.. enjoy.

-SydniMichael

Even I

2010-07-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling to express. If you know me you know I've never been good with verbal expression, which is why I write. Lately, even in my writing, it's not coming out right. Nothing I write is even close to what I'm really feeling. As if there's a lack of understanding.... like I don't understand the emotion myself. I haven't been shooting as often as I'd like to... and when i do... it's always for someone else. I don't remember the last time I painted. I'm thinking this may just be a build up, and sooner or later the emotion is going to explode in some drastic art form. At least I pray it's in some art form. Maybe I should place an easel some paint and a paint brush in all the places I exist frequently.... or my camera... possibly a pen.... a voice recorder even. Or maybe it'll be one of those explosions not meant to be captured. There's a lot going on I refuse to recognize. I don't know how beneficial this is to my growth but I'm beginning to feel numb. Kind of like the sound of the television on mute....... maybe that doesn't make sense.

I feel like it makes sense.

But then again... I don't know what I feel.

-SydniMichael

Not much just...

2010-07-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

I want to take a nap but fear it will just make it harder for me to go back into work at 9. Maybe I'll go in at 8 and get out at 11. I probably should have never left in the first place. I could've been done by 8. Shame..... shame on I. On me. On him. Shit.. really on him. On a few of him. Okay.. a couple. I won't bring the past into the present although I suppose that's what I'm doing now. Anything I plan on writing about is something that has happened in the past. Whether it have been earlier today or two weeks ago when this STUPID FUCKER - ................. nevermind. aha.... nevermind. So... yea, I'm like... on a 5 hour lunch break right now and I'm thinking it was a mistake. Alllll because I wanted to be a good employee for my manager... when HEEEE's the one who forgot to do his fwippin job! Rawr.

Guess what?!!?!? I'm moving OUT! *raise the roof-raise the roof* Yesh. Sydni Michael mothafuckn Davis is getting her own fucking shpot!! And I couldn't be more excited! Am i scared? .... a bit... but.. I'm too thrilled to embrace the fear. It's a beautiful fucking thing. Excuse my language I'm just... juiced. Every time I think about how I get to decorate and live freely and independently.. I just get all.... joobaly and curse-aly inside! YArgH! (Feel free to donate groceries, rugs, towels, plants.....anything.) My social life may slow down a bit. I won't be going out as much, as of now i'm looking for a second job, photography is going to have to pick up as well on more of a business level than pleasure. But uhr.. shit... gotta do it. Baby has got to grow up some time... doesn't she? doesn't da widdle bebe gotta gwoow uupp??? huh?? Huuh?!?! ...hmm.

...oh how alive you must feel.

There is... nothing else.

-SydniMichael

Melodic Passion

2010-07-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hello Wynton! Well... Hello ALL! This..... is Wynton, the trumpet player. Say hi! I may be posting more later. It was a great shoot....i'm pleased :)

-SydniMichael

Me Vengeance

2010-06-24T21:32:00.001-07:00

First, I'd like to peel my skin off.. ever so slowly with the intended notion to feel every nerve detach itself with a helpless goodbye. Then, i'd shred my flesh, my meat... leaving bone to be shone like a dashing white smile too bright for commercial use, the people aren't used to such. Id stand bare competing in the most intense staring contest with the mirror watching my soul drip out of each opening, searching for a home with no legs to roam it will rest weary on gravel. Nothing will matter then. A guilty conscience is no good behind bars..... although the consequence of silence fills it's belly with regret and worry. "Who, how, when, why be found out?!" Damn.. it must feel good to be found out.

-SydniMichael

Celebration

2010-06-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

Perfect time to write? Doubt it.... I've slept probably an hour and a half total. The smell of the freshly mopped kitchen floor is playing double dutch in my nostrils, imaginary bricks gain weight on top of my eyelids every 10 minutes, yet I must finish cleaning only to begin getting ready for work within the next few hours. Shucks. I wear the same jeans to work everyday. *looks around* I probably switch a new pair in one out of every 8 days... ha... haha. *looks around* -shrugs- But yeeaaaa... last night..... beautiful! There were a few run ins, had your girl nervous for a minute but everything turned out exactly how it was supposed to. Ah..so... I had a little party at my house last night. *wallet shot* It was supposed to be a small something or other... a good 30 people but we all know that would never be the case. It's hard to say how many people came in and out last night.... rough estimate....60+? First a sausage fest ... the usual.. next a tittie carnival... strange... then....out of the woodworks... the universe bid me peace and we were blessed with great male to female ratio. Yay for us. We seem to never be able to get that down right. So... yea... someone ran into the screen door.. knocked it off its track... had me sweatin bullets...what seemed like a hundred glasses were broken...a lover's quarrel occurred, panties were ripped, tears were shed, cum was spread, vomit was spilled, laughter was shared, sloppy kisses were swapped, and I....well... I exchanged numbers with mr sexy himself.... what more could you really ask for? Been peeping him out for quite some time now.... *rubs hands together* lol. He told me he thought I was a bitch the first few times I met him. This is not the first time I've heard this. Do I put off a bitchy vibe? Someone...please let me know....cause I mean I am so far from such I am baffled when I am told things like this. Anywho....

I never finished blogging the rest of the party details that morning so here I am... damn near 8 days later closing this shit out. It's never the same... I should've finished it then. Anyway... the function was dope... if u weren't there.. then you weren't having as much fun as you could have been...simple lol. Happy new day and to all a good night.

-SydniMichael

Let me tell ya,

2010-05-30T10:38:00.001-07:00

Sunshine and singing birds....
fresh air, a new slate of words...
a new slate of silence..
the lack of violence
that is until he called her stupid and she poked him in the eyelid.

I live.....

for daydreams and morning sex
great food and paychecks
laughter and love texts
emotion and present tense
dancing and grabbing tits
masturbation and all this
is....

great....

but....

let me tell you how my feet feel.... and how I woke up with my back feeling like a banana peel... split and slipped on. Damnit work!!!! damn... it's work.. :) and I'm glad to be doing it. But my body...oh my body goes through it in the garden let me tell you boy. Slices from rose thorns, sunburn and manure bags torn...smelling like... shit but I never really smell like.... it cause.... I mean... that's gross. I woke up this morning and struggled to walk comfortably.... Dr. Schols where u be? I need you at the soles of my feet cause that concrete store floor ain't really fuckin with me. I'm learning not to complain but.... I felt it a tad bit necessary to vent my pain. Not that any one's going to benefit from this knowledge... and not that I'm going to feel any better now that I've sent you to college... but... well.... I don't know.

-SydniMichael

Good Company

2010-05-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

Be there.... or..... miss out on quite a beautiful occasion.

http://www.wineandbowties.com

-SydniMichael

Nothing but NOW

2010-05-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

My current read, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle has had a major impact on my Life since I've picked it up. I suppose it's somewhat a self help book and I know a lot of people are skeptical about taking advice from strangers (lol), but THIS book is.... phenomenal. I didn't know what to expect when I first started reading. Funny, I read the first few pages a few months back and sat it down because it didn't capture me right off the back. After hearing from a friend that it had really helped change his state of mind... I decided to give it another try. I'm more than happy I did... I'm peaceful.... I'm present. There's so much I could ramble on and on about with this read but I won't. Instead, I'm going to post a few quotes from the author himself. That way you can get a feel of what the vibe is and what the book is really about. Some of the quotes will be from A New Earth, while others will be from The Power of Now. No... I'm not going to take the time to say which is from which. Just.. pick up one of the books and see for yourself. Please. Oh... and.... Thank you :)

-"...can you cease looking to conceptual definitions to give you a sense of self?"

-"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" — and find that there is no death"

-"The quicker you are in attaching verbal or mental labels to things, people, or situations, the more shallow and lifeless your reality becomes.."

-"Words reduce reality to something the human mind can grasp, which isn't very much."

-"You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God"

-"Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living."

-"The insanity of the collective egoic mind, amplified by science and technology, is rapidly taking our species to the brink of disaster. Evolve or die: that is our only choice now."

-"an emotion is the body's reaction to your mind"

-"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."

-"The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, person and family history, belief systems, and often also political, nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you."

-"Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now."

-"Being must be felt. It can't be thought."

-"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly—you usually don't use it at all. It uses you."

-"Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now..."

-Eckhart Tolle

Oops... got a little carried away. I could do more...... no?

Just...... read it.

-SydniMichael

Redd Magic

2010-05-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

-SydniMichael

Creator

2010-04-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Im an artist.

In every sense of the word...
You thought I couldnt sing until I blew u away,
Said I couldnt rap until my lyrics made u sway..
Didnt believe Alicia til my piano keys were played
The poem I spit behind it produced the tears your cheeks displayed.
My painting told your story
My story painted your picture
My photos caught your eye
While my beats themed your adventure
I'm an artist....
in every sense of the word.

(...mama, better trust and believe em'!)

-SydniMichael

Now what?

2010-04-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

I baffle my self. To claim to be so open minded yet for so long I've shunned away the idea of ever dating a woman. I get in debates and sometimes argue the label of "man" and "woman" yet, "I would never be in a relationship with a FEMALE." I must be a hypocrite.... MUST be. At least to everyone else... or have I even convinced myself that I'm not interested in women beyond a sexual level. AM I interested in women beyond a sexual level?! I don't even know!!! I don't daydream about women like I do about men... unless it involves masturbation of course. These days... i'm curious to find out where I REALLY stand.... with something to back me up. Not just this... notion that females are too emotional for me or... whatever it is that I believe. Ahh... maybe I don't want to admit to it because I don't want to seem to the rest of my family like I'm just "following" in their footsteps. I mean... the fam is gay... i mean.. THE FAM! lol.. like sister.. and like... closest cousins.. they are ALL gay... ALL of them! And although the first time I ate pussy I had to have been like 7 or 8 years old... I'd probably get looked at funny because I've always been so "boy crazy." (Little do they know.. right?) What are you thinking right now? I imagine you are still stuck on the idea of me eating pussy at the tender age of 7...yea? Yea...well.. get over it. She was my neighbor and I dunno... you would think I didn't know what horny was but... fuck it.. I must've liked the smell or taste of pussy... or.. something. Because every time she asked me to come over... I did.. KNOWING what we were about to do. And it didn't stop there.... of course not. I had "have you ever" after "have you ever" experience throughout the next several years of my life. And my answer was always .. "no.. i've never messed with a girl.. have you?" I got off on the shit... and was WAY to ashamed to admit to my sexual experiences before the present time at which shit was abot to go down. Ahh.. and then I went through a period where I thought I was gay and it just broke my heart lol. I'd cry occasionally. Grew up.... realized i'm just a freak... or.. something. That is... at least until now. Is FREAK the correct term? Am I bisexual? Am I confused? Am I just.....? JUST?! *sigh* Lately... I've been getting approached by quite a few girls... and more than ever... I'm curious to take it further than just sex. So do I? And what type of girls do I like? Studs? Femmes? other bisexuals? Like... this is all so new to me yet it isn't new AT ALL. I got this email from a beautiful girl.. I have yet to write her back. I will in the morning. She turned me on... in a major way. Like... she wants to explore me and the feeling is insanely mutual. haha. Aside from her... there's another.... So yea... I'm interested. NOW WHAT?! lol..... we'll see I suppose. I guess I should go to bed. Only so much rambling is appreciated ...yea? lol. Goodnight :)

Meet Nicole

2010-03-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

Everyone say hello to Nicole. Nicole... is dope. Period. Fresh spirit....awesome to shoot. I can't wait til our next one. Something about the last 3 flicks that I really fucking love. They kind of fit with each other. *shrugs* Anywho.... enjoy :D

-SydniMichael

My Flickr Calls For You

2010-03-22T11:45:00.001-07:00

Betty, originally uploaded by SydniMichael.

Hello friends. I have a flickr... I'd appreciate if you'd visit it. Leave comments... share it with friends. If you're interested in a shoot... hit me :)

Your Chariot Awaits Dear....

2010-03-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

Midnight has struck. The day is new... technically. But I suppose I can't start a new day if I haven't finished off the previous one..... ah... but the current one. A cup of tea is soon to be on it's way. Chowder shall soon send me laughter or some sort of strange peace. Maybe I should try sleeping. Tomorrow will be long and beautiful... I need nothing more than to embrace it. I'm such a rebel I do so against my own self. As if I have a problem with ME setting the rules. Well.. WHO ELSE SYDNI?! I am satisfied in bits. BIG bits... but bits. And then it isn't enough. I keep telling myself this place is temporary. I wonder if anyone's ever made it out alive. If not... I plan to be the first.... with quite the lifetime to spare. Prime awaiting.

-SydniMichael