Two Fiving in April

 I think it’s safe to say my whole world has been flipped upside down.  However, I’m slightly inspired by all the confusion. I had plans, long term ones, that I naively created with the idea of someone else in mind. Now, moving to New York is more frightening than I realized and marriage once again is as far fetched a reality as…well… something really… far… fetched…?  Uhm… right.

  Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just another way of my Creator, the Universe, telling me that I am to be my main focus.  Not some hard headed “man” looking to be taken care of for the rest of our whirlwind of a toxic love life.  I know I said I’d quit speaking about it, but it’s hard when you’re used to one thing and now silence is the voice whispering “I love you.”  I’m talking to a few guys trying to keep my heart open and my mind off it but they don’t make it easy.  It’s actually frustrating having to start all over again with someone new.  You know those beginning stages where it’s supposed to be all exciting and fresh.  Where the kisses taste like a sweet foreign dish and the touch is like jumping into a cold pool on the hottest day of summer?  Well, it isn’t REALLY like that.  I mean don’t get me wrong, the moments exist but let’s not forget about the wonder, the waiting, the uncertainty. Let’s not forget about having to pretend like you don’t really care when all you want is for him to ask if you’re busy because he’s dying to kiss you again. THAT shit…. let’s not forget… about THAT.  I’m vulnerable as shit right now yo.  You’d think I’d be cooped up on some bitter, fuck niggas get money, player shit but really…. I’m not.  Sure, I don’t trust shit they say and I think their intentions are all ill but…. I just want someone to fall in love with me. You know, rub my booty while I fall asleep and wake me up with hard dick and wet kisses.  


Oh dear, it is mandatory I get myself together.

-Sydni