I love him. I love him with every part of me but I'm not so sure how much that counts if some parts of me are hated. I thought I was at that stage in my life where I could give myself to someone wholly because the way I felt....feel... about myself was once seemingly ideal. I imagine that's only to a girl whose very existence urged life ending opportunities. This self hatred is taking a toll on our relationship. It makes me angry with him for asking things of me I'm not comfortable doing. It makes him angry with me because he feels I'm just not willing to accommodate his needs. God... the ways I want to accommodate this man's needs, wants, his every fucking desire. The ways I want to rip apart his fantasies and create emotions and experiences his sheltered, beautiful mind never allowed him to concoct. He doesn't know that though... because I spend so much time telling him "no." And when I do attempt to fulfill, it's not really what either of us wants. I want to go deeper and while he sits and waits for me to jump off the boat I'm mapping out ways to avoid touching ocean ground.
I want so badly to be perfect for you.
-Sydni, Your Love
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