Babysitter Dreams

You should never let a crazy girl watch your children. She's probably got her head in the clouds busting her brains trying to figure out why the plane isn't high enough to disappear into their drift of existence. Promising her second self to only see the beauty in all, rather than focusing on the fact that her entire right hand was as wrinkled as balled up scraps of forgotten attempts at a decent poem when she hopped out the shower this afternoon. Making too much sense in her ignorance of everything clever. Trying to discover what ruined her...or if she's even ruined at all. The things most fear.....she embraces them as if they were her newborns...caressing their heads and praying they grow to be something beautiful. Replacements...these fears. Replacing the aborted. I imagine it isn't healthy. She sees lightning and imagines in great detail what jerking movements her body would make if struck...like the way she does when riding passenger. Contemplating if it'd be more romantic landing on her face or her back. Dead...hoping someone finally falls in love with her for all that she is....nothing...everything? Wanting so badly to be everything wholeheartedly...not just for the moment...but always...always everything. The impossibility of it all orbiting her mind like the lingering disappointment of one less spot in a game of musical chairs. She finds herself giving up the fight....merely waiting. She sleeps on waiting....wakes up waiting....laughs, fucks, bleeds on waiting. Her third self a broken record... "this is only a phase." Three school girls in a vicious quarrel over who's next to double dutch....who has the power to make the ropes go......or stop. Everyone's tired of turning. She's tired of turning. She can't let go... the other two won't let her. You should never let a crazy girl watch your children.... she's never really watching.

-SydniMichael