You caught me sneezing.

Where did I go??
And.. where did I find this person who has taken me over?
Why did I ever let me go?
I try, and I try and I try to be somebody.....
I'm trying to be SOMEBODY as if who I was or... who I am isn't quite enough.
As if the person i'm trying to be is better than who I am.
Who am I?
And where the fuck did I go???
No wonder, I never feel comfortable around...anyone or in any situation unless I'm alone....
and even then... i'm sitting in this body, trying to love myself.
Trying to tell myself that i'm perfect.
Convincing myself that these thoughts are normal.... and that i'm on the right path it's just rocky...
but now i'm sitting here.... and i don't know if that's completely true.
i've been lieing to myself.
i'm like a mother who doesn't want to tell her child, she's adopted.
I've adopted this girl.... this creature..... and i'm trying to make her mine... but she isn't mine.
She doesn't feel... or smell like mine.
When I taste her blood... it tastes foreign....
cause it isn't mine.
It will never be mine.... and I now see... that the sooner I realize that.... the sooner I can find mine.
But.... I don't really know how.
I don't know where to look.... or even what to look for.

She said she was living in this perfect world.... and the only thing I could think of to find a world like that for myself.... was to die. Was to OFF myself. I don't know if I'm crying because i'm emotional, or because i'm floating in this epiphany....or... because I actually considered suicide. Someone asked me the other day if I'd ever thought of committing such and I stood my ground proudly on the fact that I would never ever take my life away.... the thought had never even crossed my mind. And then today came. And I no longer can say I've never been to a place that shallow....barely any air.
Slits of oxygen race by daring you to breathe
Yet you've found comfort in your suffering

I'm not comfortable here anymore.


This watered down version of me.


How deep do you have to go to realize you've gone far enough?


I pray I'm here....

I can honestly say... I don't want to take a step further. It's dark enough. If I could capture every slice of oxygen... I would... and I'd hold it... and breathe it...over and over and over again and AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAAAAIIINNN!!

Who likes breathing?


Perfect world.... lol.


?


Reincarnation?


Heaven?


Is my curiosity subconsciously trying to OFF me?
hahahahaha.

"I just wanna know" she whispers.


And then what?



-Sydni Michael