This time around....

What do you think about when the current moment has become a bit repetitive, the future is non-existent and the past is irrelevant? .... I've been daydreaming... a lot. Mainly on the bus rides home. The vibrations coming through the floor made me horny this time around. I'm sure people aren't comfortable with me staring so my imagination has no choice but to go to work. I live an entirely different life inside of my head. Well, not entirely different but I suppose the better version of me. Although I'm happy here, today, right now... I'm still working to get so much further. Now that I think about it I'm not sure it's daydreaming...maybe planning? *shrugs* It's kind of crazy to think where I could have been if I had this mindset three years ago. I didn't though, and I probably never would have had I not battled my way through those 3+ years of emotional and mental chaos. It blows me that whenever someone shares their pain with me I have it in me to say, I "used" to feel that way... or... "I've been there before." I'm not there anymore and now standing on the outside of that Hell I desire so deeply to pull people out.

These days, I'm finding it difficult to express all the things I consider throughout the day. I mean there's just so much. I'm trying not to be so loquacious and redundant with these blogs but they're all pretty much pointing in the same direction. Don't get me wrong they're progressive but more so in an emotional sense in which I'm not too sure I can put into words. I've got three years of posts in this thing where I ride an insanely loopy rollercoaster. One of which I have hit the "highest" (or so I thought) of highs and I hope the lowest of low down dirty lows (can't imagine it getting any worse.) I mean there's been plenty of posts where I claimed to have found peace and at that very moment I'm sure I had. But it was never a long term peace. It was more so a short wave of joyous epiphany minus the grasp on.....hmmm... GOD... ACTION... ME. I was lacking all of these things. And while I felt like I had it figured out that was indeed, ironically the issue at hand. I never had it figured out lol. I was running in place. Sweating out calories only to eat a piece of cake once home. Do I have it figured out now you ask? Well, of course not. But that's where the growth lies; in understanding that life is..lack of... comprehension lol. I'm not even sure if that's it either. Maybe... comprehension is all one's own. Duh...right? This goes into perspective and that would be me getting repetitive because I'm almost sure I've written this story already. Perspective.....world....runs it? Right..ok.

Well, it was lovely. I have work in the morning and I need to paint my nails before I head off to bed.

2 offers... one heart... next lifetime.

-vent for another day.

-Ziggy