This Fight

It is such a struggle to stay focused. Whether the focus is on big money, positivity, losing weight, or not being a nuisance to my man. I wake up some days and for no reason at all everything in the world is wrong. My man doesn't love me enough, saving money is impossible, my six pack is still non existent, why do I seem so incapable of making the right decisions? Other days, I am unstoppable, my man is perfect and sees the sun in my eyes, I'm sexy even with this tummy, money isn't much of an issue, and I've got more control than a set of prison bars. I'd like to believe I'm this magnificent individual most of the time but my mind is so fucked it's hard to keep that mentality strong throughout the week. I daydream about things I shouldn't, I'm almost sure I'm dying, I judge people, I have trouble trusting my boyfriend, my friends annoy the shit out of me, sometimes my intentions aren't the moon. WHY?!?! I'm tired of fighting these demons. I never knew a battle could last so long.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that you can decide the tone of each and every day. I've always believed that, but I guess it's easy to forget when you don't wake up claiming the day as you should. Next thing you know, the bus is passing you by as you're running up the street to catch it, your eye glasses break, your bills are extremely high and the money you were supposed to save this check, is lost in an envelope on the way to some rich white man whose parents handed him a business and a mansion in some fancy hilly city you've never heard of. With that being said, wake up and tell the world you're going to conquer it. It may take some convincing but it's well worth it. Last night I missed my bus on the way home from work. It was 11:17pm at this point and the next bus wasn't coming til 12:17am. It was bloody freezing and I had on a flimsy shirt and some rolled up jeans. Jacket? of course not. I wanted to punch every smiling guppy that pulled up at that stop light blasting their junky music in their heat filled vehicles only minutes away from destination who gives a fuck. That would have gotten me nowhere however. Instead, I threw on my earphones turned on "She Lives In My Lap" by 3 stacks and convinced myself that there was no better feeling in the world than this crisp air and the freedom of no walls. I told myself I was sexy and a jacket would just ruin my ensemble. I stuck my hands in the thick of my thighs and created a brightly lit fireplace in the back of my mind. Next thing you know, the 212 was pulling up occupied by at least 6 flaming gangster homos, 3 crackheads, 15 teenagers, 4 old folks with way too much shit in their hands, a black man in a wheelchair, some cholos, a clan of bitter women, and of course the young ashy gentleman who found himself drooling over me the entire ride home. I imagine getting off that bus can be compared to escaping an AA meeting you don't belong in up the street from skid row. Not that I'm any better than any of the people on that bus but....... well, I've probably placed myself in a hole I don't care enough at the moment to dig myself out of. -shrugs- I don't know yo.... I just want to feel good about life. It's a fight. It will always.... be a fight. But there's no better way to start a fight than to wake up telling the world you're going to win.

-Sydni