I feel like, I'm trapped in a corner. I feel like.... I'm trapped in a corner and an unusually large spider is slowly crawling its way over to me. I have nowhere to go and I'm fucking terrified. I'm.....excited? Yes. I'm excited...and curious... anxious....and here we are back to....terrified. Nevertheless, I HAVE TO DO THIS.... I HAVE TO. I've got to flush all this shitty doubt that floats around in the pit of my stomach, keeping me from jumping off cliffs I know I have the power to fly from. I need to be able to do and feel and know that I am capable of certain things. Everyone's been asking me WHY?... WHY are you doing this? WHY for so long? WHY go mute? WHY not something else? Well....because that's what the fuck I want to do. I'm tired of explaining myself to these naysayers with their conformed spirits, not able to understand why anyone would ever want to challenge themselves or.... step out of their daily routine. And it really frustrates me when people tell me I won't be able to do this. It makes me want to spit silence into their mouths. Don't you ever get tired of talking? Don't you ever get sick of hearing your own voice? I mean... I'm over it. I've been talking for 22 fucking years. I'm over sharing my opinion, my thoughts, my dreams and aspirations with a bunch of people who don't necessarily care. They're all just nosey, or need something to occupy the dreadful silence and I don't want to be that. I want to listen. I want to give everyone else the opportunity to spill to me without my opposition or...confirmation.... or my 50cents that was never asked for. I have so much to learn, and I'm not going to learn it by teaching. I'm sure plenty of you think I'm being ridiculous, dramatic... i don't know... nor do I care. I imagine you're comfortable in your boxes. No desire to find out what it feels like outside of that 6 sided world. Well... I do....in a sickening way. Especially since I've been in this strange place for so long. I'm not really afraid of anything anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing. My mind has reached places I never really expected it to go...and I've considered so many possibilities.... I'm just... not afraid. But...with this.... I'm like...i don't know... I don't know what to expect. My fear, if to say such...it stems from... not knowing...which of course all fear does. It's so fucking refreshing. I don't have the fucking answer this time. Not saying I'm some sort of genius. My Creator knows there's a shit load of information that floats around me but has yet to enter my noggin but... I do feel like... I'm enlightened. I do feel like... I know many of the ways of the world. Although I may not always go with what I think I know.... I do feel like if I had the discipline... I could live some sort of fucking life. I'm just one of those, beings... who's just..... struggling to BE. I just want to challenge myself and figure out.... how else can I fuck my mind? And fucking the mind can be a beautiful thing....don't negate my thoughts lol. So yea.....I'm going MUTE. I'm taking a vow of silence....and....no matter what anyone says... I won't stray from this.
-EsMiguelDavi'
1 comment:
nice!
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