My lack of motivation frightens me. For so many people to enjoy and be inspired by my art or my words.. and for me to sit back and not doing anything with them....that's ridiculous. It's absolutely ridiculous and I have no answer as to why I don't take full control of my talent. I'm starting to believe what people tell me. I'm beginning to believe that I really do have a chance to make some sort of difference. Whether it be in the art world...or the music world...or...THE WORLD... shit. Where is my drive? Why haven't I put myself out there the way I should? Why haven't I seriously taken my craft and perfected it...allowing it to be as beautiful or inspiring as it pleases? Why be good when I can be amazing?! Im sitting here.. and I'm breaking down... because I feel like im so close to failure. I know im not though... u know? I know I still have so much of a chance to change. But I hate the fact that it takes being close to rock bottom for me to realize that. U ever notice how talented the bums at Venice beach are? Like really.. have u ever really just peeped them out? ... The older white man that rips on the piano.... Or ol' boy who makes animals n shit out of sand.... all of the beautiful paintings... the dancers. I CAN NOT be one of those. I can NOT be the girl who had all the talent and simply let it wither away with no trace. I CAN NOT! fuck it.. I WILL NOT. I Won't. I hope none of you will either. A friend of mine just let out exactly what I needed to hear. He knows who he is :). He has me feeling like it's not over. He told me I was The Chosen One. I don't think there's a better compliment. We really must be selective of the people we have bustling in our hearts and minds.... the people we deal with day to day. I NEED him... just like I need so many others in my life. The positivity travels like wind... in and out of our systems...pieces of oxygen... bits we hold on to. I have got to stop being so gotdamn lazy. The only thing keeping me from taking over is ME. And I must be some kind of idiot to stop myself from ruling. Sometimes are biggest enemy is within us. I refuse to be my own enemy. I really fucking do. I feel better now :)
-SydniMichael
2 comments:
I am new to your blog, however I feel this entry. My whole soul feels this entry. I'm dealing with the same lack of motivation, the same frustration, so I thank you for sharing. The struggle will not beat us, our destiny is stronger than our circumstances.
Yours in success,
Ciara
Dear Sydni,
Heartfelt. Feeling for you, I'd like to share what it means to me.
First and foremost YOU are awesome and what you create brings joy. You uplift us just as you are NOW and with what you give us NOW. We appreciate you as you are.
But - what I hear you saying is that your creative self wants something more, is bursting to break out, and what defeats you is within yourself, a voice that stomps on you.
We all know that voice, each with its own words, but s similar message. I don't know if we can ever completely silence that voice (ingrained in childhood) but we can learn to "put it in its place." The best advice given me was to move forward one step at a time. Break every project down into manageable steps and just do the first one without worrying about the big dream, then the next and so on. That way each step is no big deal, and the negative voice doesn't get so agitated and irritated.
Sounds like you're getting a handle on it, but if you want to talk, I'm a good listener.
Love, Cynthia
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