I want, I wish, we were...

I stopped wishing.. I stopped dreaming... started feeding on what I could touch.
shit is rough going down but once it hits my stomach...it hits my head and a big fat smile graces these plump lips of mine. what am i smiling for? ooohh who cares? who dare ask for you are all smiling as well. i haven't had that smile in a while... and i'd like to partake in a bottle of bacardi but have not had the pleasure in doing so.
soon... very soon.

very soon everything i am hating will be a memory and everything i love will be present and overwhelming. soon...very soon. some people say let it out.... the tears..."just cry...let it all out... it's good for you." ... is it good for me? cause when i'm done crying.. i never feel any better. the pain is still there... the problem is not yet solved... so what now? should i cry some more since the first time didn't really work? i'm all cried out at this point. i'm just... confused now. but i've been confused. i seem to always be confused. i want some bacardi.

i want my own apartment.. a black audi with wood grain/red leather interior.. nasty sound system... a boyfriend who is disgustingly insane over me... a best friend who can't make a decision without my consent... a job where I create my own hours... my name.com ... i want a body like that blonde bald bitch in ludacris' video... eesh... i want a permanently tight vagina... like forever... like after sex it snaps back to virgin style.... i want poop with absolutely no scent...well that doesn't really matter but it'd be nice... i want to snap my fingers once a week ...Friday preferably and have a fresh mani pedi without having to deal with loud yapping Vietnamese women and bourgeois gold digger black women...or young girls who think they run the city but have no idea what's coming next... i want a balcony with a view of the entire world... i want to walk outside and immediately be in contact with white sand which of course leads to freezing blue ocean water.... i want music playing in my head at all times... Sade most of the time.... i want a dog that doesn't lick its private part.... i want a man who can talk for years without pausing if i needed him to... a man who wouldn't mind going to see System of a Down in concert with me... i want to know that everything is alright... i want to know that whichever decision i make.... will be the right one... but... i don't know that... and now... i want to cry...but i won't.. cause I've felt this emotion already and cried these tears already and....now they are gone... they're not in my eyes anymore lol...

i hate being cold... i hate a dirty bathroom... i hate a dirty room... i hate a dirty kitchen... but don't always have the energy to clean all of these things... and that's no fun :( which is why i need to live alone...i'm selfish.. so i've heard lately.... i don't wuna clean up anyone else's mess.
Vivian Green is dope.... i wonder why she didn't get more play. I had a 3 some...well a 2 1/2 some with this dude i used to fuck with and his baby mama... who used to call me asking me if i was fucking her man.. he used to tell me she was crazy and blah blah blah.. niggas lie.... but anyway.. now we're like tighter than grip pliers lol...the only sucky thing is.... i can't talk to him anymore....i kinda miss him... chilling with him at least. the sex happened once and it was wack but... our connection was cool... we had fun together.. and now i feel like i can't kick it with him at all cause me and his baby mama are tight. psh... well... she's worth it i suppose. it sucks tho cause she doesn't want him to know that she and I are friends... lol.. he would flip!!! lmao.... oh well... i wish people could be more understanding... that way others could be honest... secrets and lies wouldn't be so frequent.

but then again... i'm more understanding than anyone i know and i still manage to get lied to.

oooh some more Sade... nice.

im rambling.....

i've definitely got to change my life.

good intentions are not enough.

soon.....very soon...

now... right now.

no need to look for love.... for love is looking for me... i'll just sit back and wait for him to come find me...

i love flowers and candles and sunshine...and money.... i gotta get some more money.

ooooh Basehead Jazz just came on..... even nicer :D

i need to pray more often. reconnect with God the way I used to.

did I mention that everything is going to be alright?
cause it is... I felt it.. just now.

I love a full moon on a warm summer night.
i wish clothes didn't exist.
i wish we wrote letters to loved ones rather than texting.

me and my friend got robbed the other day. well.. really him... they punched in my side of the window... glass shattered everywhere... it's 2 in the morning.. we're sitting right in front of my home...psh... yea..soo ..shattered glass... "bitch this...bitch that..bitch....killl...bitch.." they grab the laptop we were using to watch Madagascar 2... they drive off with a shirt over their license plate... nice.. hahaha.... something tells me that was Karma for my friend. at first i was really sad that they took his shit and busted his window but now im like.... welp.... karma's a bitch AINT IT!
lol.... that was mean...
im just sad cause i want him to be mine and i found out he's a liar.... and as much as i probably need to erase him from my life... he did something to my brain and now i can't stop thinking of him... yuck... yea.. the guy all the sappy love and hate entries are about.....fuckhead.

my mom has a facebook... and my aunties do too.... i laughed at my cousin Christian cause he was distraught about the fact that his mom had one...and now my mom has one... what the fuck is going on?!

i wuna go lay in bed.

-SydniMichael