It's funny that kanye's song Paranoid comes on as I begin to write this blog. Funny...it's actually HIlarious...no i'm not laughing...my lips are shut tight and if I wanted I could let a river of tears fall from my eyes right this instant...but I won't do that...cause I've done enough of that today as it is... and yesterday... most likely the day before and many days before that. It seems as though i've been crying since the beginning of "us." Maybe not the veerrryy beginning but... you know..since I had fallen for you and that was pretty early on in the "relationship" If you want to call it that. 100/100. I really only got 30....If that. Yea.. I may not have been giving 100 but I was giving some part of me... what i was giving was REAL....and all I got from you was lies, sex, and a pregnancy test....oh and tears...which was from pain so should I just say pain? whatever. I went to the beach today with intentions of freeing my mind.... having some one on one time with myself and the man upstairs. It felt good....refreshing...although when I wasn't staring off into the ocean wondering "why or what now?" I was sleeping....which was nice.... probably the best sleep i've had in a few months. I was hoping that while I was there...maybe God would send down a bird with a note/letter in it's mouth with instructions on what to do....it didn't happen. I think this last "relationship" really... fucked my head up. My new little friend Jackie told me "never put anything past ANY nigga" but... I didn't listen much... I heard her but I didn't listen and now this is me and now that i've expressed the fact that I know he's a bitch (sorry) he's being cowardly and hasn't returned my phone call...text...or facebook message. Was that being a little excessive? Attempting to contact him through all three forms of communication? It might have been but when there's things that need to be discussed..... i give myself permission to be excessive... so there. I don't know how I feel about blogging about this to the public but fuck it i've started and i'm sure i'll get a facebook message or a phone call with some good advice attached to it. Good advice is always.....good. I feel kinda bad... I don't mean to call you/him a bitch so freely but i'm soooo fed up right now... it kinda just spills from my lips/fingers and at this point I don't care enough to hold it back...or better yet go back and erase. You usually only erase mistakes and i HIGHLY doubt that calling you/him a BITCH is a mistake. he ALMOST made me believe he was telling the truth when he told me he loved me. hahahaha. I knew i wasn't being an overprotective, paranoid bitch when I told him he was lieing... or when he asked me to be his girl and i said no....or when he used to spill lines of passion and romance to me and i'd make a face like "nigga please." i KNEW i wasn't tripping. why the FUCK did i stick around? I just wish I knew what the purpose of his "game" was. I didn't really have much to offer him. There's tons of pretty girls in LA....20x better looking than I....why would you want to make me your girlfriend when you could go out and find a bad bitch with an Audi or shit..something better than a honda accord with no tint lol. I'm insecure so I was never as open as I could have been.... i don't have a closet spilling over with "fresh gear." i'm not ballin' so it's not like I could help him financially... i know it wasn't the sex..... he got the sex before he told me he loved me... before he asked me to be his girl... soo... what was the point of all the extras?!?!?! WHy did he have to take it that far???? Can someone answer me that???!!!!! I could probably keep going and going and going and going. Damn.... my whole attitude is fucked up right now. I'm super short with people.... if any of my friends bring up the situation...even simply ask a question.. i immediately begin crying. hahaha...damn....i'm all fucked up. i wonder if he even feels bad. probably not. i'm probably not the first victim...probably not the last. i wish i was coldhearted enough to post his picture and his name so all the ladies could search him on facebook and steer clear of him. cause he'll break your heart... i swear he will. l2kfc. (laughing 2 keep from crying) ...did u like that?... no?
fuck you.
Shit happens though right? Hearts get broken...lies get told...all that bad stuff.... it happens. But u know what??????????? I'm soooooo fuckin GOOOD yo. Swear I am...cause now i'm not suffering with thoughts like "damn is he doing me wrong?" etc. etc. Now i can just work on forgetting about him. But damn... ima be "lonely" for a minute. No way any dude is about to get in this head of mine...psh. FUCK!
-SydniMichael
4 comments:
You know what bitter with the truth is better that bitter with a lie if it didnt work it didn't work.. you walked the plank jumped and lived just like there's 20x better men looking for you to fall right into their arms but for future reference.. watch out in the front and get geiko for the back... lol
im sorry. i honestly wish there was a way i could cheer you up. nobody deserves to be like that. and you're VERY gorgeous,and im pretty sure you're not as fake and plastic as all these LA girls with those audi's you were talking about lol. eventually he'll realize he's being STUPID[hope he reads this lol] and by then it will be too late. and you're right,atleast you dont have to constantly think like "is he doing wrong?" your mind is free now. hope you're ok.
gosh. this here is my life at this point. every damn word!!!! aaaaaagggggghhh y are dudes such trash? ur spirit seems way to beautiful to have some dude keeping u sad. this is my fave entry tho. it seems that when we're hurting our pen is most honest.
:( i hate seeing you like this. whoops almost said his name lmao. one day he will realize what he has done and it will come down on him 50x harder because karma is a bitch and you have me as a friend LOL jk.. all i can say is you have to be strong. even though its hard, but no guy is worth your tears!
there are so many times when i just wanna cry because of a guy too but i cant even do it. but then again i know my situation is not as intense as yours. i've finally realized that its them. something is wrong with them in their heads!! well HIS head, not all guys. there is someone perfect for you waiting to sweep you off you're feet. you just have to be patient.. and you get over people pretty quickly so you will be ok :)
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