For me..not you.

It is a Saturday afternoon, working it's way into the evening. What are my plans for a fall Saturday night? I have no idea. My girls are going to some alpha party that I have absolutely NO interest in attending, so here I sit. I just want to get a random group of people together, whom don't know eachother...people I know but aren't too close with... and just.. get drunk, faded...turnt lol. That would be oddly entertaining. It would have to be the most open minded of my acquaintances of course. ...I need my own place. :-)

It's weird cause... it's almost like I only have inspiration to write when i'm sad or depressed. Every blog can't be a sex story... a sad love song... an incerpt on how i'm growing. That gets boring i'm sure. I write this blog for me but at the same time.... i've found out that I have readers... and I almost feel the obligation to write for them. But I also understand that if I write for them... i'm no longer writing for me, and this won't be MY blog... it'll be theirs. That's what my problem is... I hate to disappoint people... and once again you're all wondering.. "how is that a problem?" Well... me hating to disappoint people shows that I give a fuck about what people think in the first place. And that's EXACTLY what i'm trying to step away from. --If I disappoint you.... well... you shouldn't have ever counted on me in the first place. Don't set your expectations so high cause my goal sure as hell ain't to live up to em. -- <--- That's how I want to feel for real. But i'm not quite there. :-( I'm taking it step by step though.... patience is a virtue right? .... Right. So.... now that's definitely what I'm working towards... saying what I have to say... doing what I have to do... with ME in my mind... and not the "cool kids" i long ago wished to be like. Not that long ago really. :-/ There's too many beautiful souls in the world I yearn to meet and "cool" is the last label I have in mind as a necessity for friendship. Unless we're referring to their personality. Get me? I don't know. I could probably keep going on about this but... i'm sure i'll just be repeating myself.

So I guess I'll take a step out and write on something I've always wanted to vent about... but never felt comfortable in doing so for the exact reason I stated above. I was too worried about what people would think of me and so on. So... it's crazy how your emotions can just... switch up so fast... like the second this topic came to mind... tears began to fall... and it sucks cause I have no control... like I can't stop them. I know it's okay to cry... but.. it hurts u know? Anyway.... 2008... the year of change for me. I've talked about it before... but never really went into detail on all the "crazy" shit that sparked the change. One of the biggest events was... abortion. Yea i know.... there's plenty of girls my age who have had an abortion but shit... they can feel how they want...and i'm gona go ahead and feel the only way I know how.

Before i got pregnant.... I always believed that abortion wasn't the answer. I never knocked the ones who did it, but I felt that... if you put yourself in that situation.. you need to step up and deal with it. Abortion is not a method of birth control. Every time u get pregnant.. you can't just go kill the fucking baby. (harsh.. i know) Well.... I got pregnant. And deciding to have that abortion was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I went back and forth with myself for 2 months about this baby I was holding inside of me. I thought about my life with the baby and my life without her. I knew my mom would probably kick me out if I decided to keep it. Not that she wouldn't help... but..."shit.. if you're grown enough to have a baby... you're grown enough to be out on your own." she says. So i definitely kept it from my mom. My friends all knew and were VERY supportive. The baby's father...well... he wasn't ready for a baby. Typical young man opinion. So... what do I do? Do I put my life on hold... possibly step into poverty, let go of my 20's for they will no longer exist, close many doors of opportunity.... OR... abort the baby, and keep it pushing as if it was only a short emotional phase, possible test in my life. Fuck.... was that a test?! Aaaahhhh..... relax lol. So anyway... i heard opinions on both sides of the issue... after two months I decided I wasn't ready for such. I am still a child. How can a child raise a child?? I mean it's obviously possible but.. I want to give my baby the best... the absolute best. There was no way I could have done that at this point in my life. Well... I remember getting an ultrasound.... seeing my baby inside of me. Sheeesh... that was hard. All i could think was... "damn... i'm really about to prevent a new soul from experiencing life." Who am I to do that?? Like this is a little version of me and i'm never going to get to meet her. Yea... hard. So my mom ended up finding out about the abortion anyway and she came at me pretty foul... which totally set me off. When you're pregnant, your hormones are raging and your much more emotional than usual.. so in result I exploded. I broke down. It was a painful time in my life and I felt like she wasn't there for me at all. I mean I expected her to be upset but the things she said were just like....wow... that's how u feel?? for real? Eventually we made up... which was good cause I couldn't have her hating me. I went for my abortion and was more than ready for it to happen. (sad to say) I was tired of being nauseous ALL DAY EVERYDAY! I was tired of not being able to eat... i was tired of feeling so emotional... i was tired of caring so much.. i was ready for it to all be over and that day had FINALLY came! But then again... I felt like a criminal.. enough said. So... I had the abortion... I was awake during the process. Not cool. It wasn't painful duuurrrring the procedure but afterwards... I had never been in so much pain in my ENTIRE life. NO EXAGGERATION. I was at home screaming and acting a fool :-( lol. So it was over.... all the confusion.... all the pondering... it was over. 2 days later I was back at work. I work with 2 year olds. I walked in the door and immediately broke down. What had I done???? Fuuuuccckkk. Did I make a mistake? I felt regret all throughout my being. Not a good feeling... at all. For the next few months I would randomly break down... at the oddest times. I had created this little life... I had a name for "her" and everything.. Yea I know it might not have been a girl but I was convinced lol. She changed my life. After that experience... i literally changed my life. I was a different person. I still wonder if I made a mistake but then again I believe everything happens for a reason. I feel like I lost a part of me. It needed to happen though. I needed an eye opener... and she was it. I'll never get over it. To other people it may not be such a big deal.. but shit... she was mine and I let her go. Through this blog I can't thoroughly express my true emotions. You all don't even understand the half of it. But...that's my story. She was the one who did it for me.

I know this was long.... i doubt many read it.. don't really give a fuck.

peaceofmind
-SydniMichael