Is my nose running? Yep... it is... and it's driving me loco. I'm thinking i'll roll up some tissue and stuff it in there to stay...take it out once it's completely soaked with yucky stuff. Yumm :)
Today was interesting. My Auntie damn near broke down after bringing up mi papa. He called while I had stepped out of the hairshop. Told her to tell me that he loves me... misses me.. you know...the "works." lol. That was pretty painful to watch. I feel as if I'm the guilty one now. Like... this is MY fault. Okay, okay... so it's been about a year and some months now and I still haven't written the "tell all" letter yet. I still haven't made the phone call expressing how hurt I was/am by what I knew or... by what I had realized. Okay... SO WHAT! No? Not so what huh? Yea... I know. This has gone on for too long. My mom doesn't necessarily care for him but sometimes I feel like even SHE is thinking.... "coomee oon Syd.... he's tu' papa." (Ask me why I'm randomly throwing spanish words in and I will respond with a blank stare.) Anyway.... I'm feeling like it's about time to make that move. Mmmm , but every time I think about calling him, or reconciling with the man.... I dread the whole... hmm ..... attempting to understand where each other is coming from...part. Get me? I don't want to hear any excuses. I don't want to hear the "I've changed.. I'm trying." I don't. These days.... words are almost nothing to me. I've been told so many different things that... sounded beautiful.... sounded REAL... but in the end... turned out to be NOTHING. I guess i've gotta do it though. Cause.... as much as I hate to admit it.... this shit has got a piece of me.... and I'm not progressing in certain areas because of it. Plus.... he's hurting.... I know he is.... and shit... him hurting... hurts me. My forgiving spirit hasn't been so forgiving in regards to him. Not cool. Obstacles are made to be conquered. Onward I go.
I'm in this... writing mood... soo... i'm thinking.... do I want to keep going here... oorrr... start a new entry? hmmm....
-SydniMichael
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