Onward I Went..

I did it. I didn't sit there and practice what I was going to say... I just did it. I was reading a book about bettering oneself and it hit me, PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL. So...I listened to the 10 minute long message I had saved from some months back that I knew had his cell and house number mentioned somewhere towards the end. Saved both numbers to my cell. Started off with the cell..... it didn't work.... im thinking... okay.. is this a sign? Should I just forget it? Maybe I'm not ready for all this. Fuck it... I call the house. Sure enough.... my stepsister picks up... whom I haven't seen in Lord knows how long. "Hey.. it's Sydni... is my dad there?" Of course he was... there was no way I was getting out of this now. I'd outted myself by telling my name. I should have just asked for Skip. lol. damnit. Waiting for the man to pick up.... my heart damn near beats out of my chest. I'm thinking... what the fuck am I so nervous for? I had no idea what to expect. Shit... I had no expectations. The 'Hellos' were halfway akward.... the rest of the conversation sort of fell into place. Almost like a year and half of us not speaking didn't even exist. His way of breaking the ice? "Did you know auntie ____ almost died this morning?" Well... I won't say that was his ice breaking method... but that was the first topic after... "How are you?" I guess he assumed that was my reason for calling. Who really knows? He does I suppose lol. Anyway.... DAMN. What a day to call right? Aaaahh My God is an awesome God. YOu may not understand why... but I sure in the hell do. I needed this conversation. I needed it BAD. The healing process has taken it's position and is off to a good start :) "Don't be surprised if when I see you I hug you for about 30, 45 minutes." he said. lol. I must admit.... I miss the man. It feels good to genuinely forgive. A girl needs her father. :D


The day was absolutely beautiful. I spent it in my room. Thank God for open windows or the morning would have been my only piece of experiencing it. I drove to SMC today for my photography class... to find out that no one was in my classroom. Psh... I needed that gas. I proceeded to arrive home and rearrange my room. I love the feel of it. I had planned on spending the day at the beach but... decided not to for whatever reason. My room was asking for my presence I suppose. Mmm... I've got another interview on Thursday.... pretty excited about that. My ex boyfriend makes me want to give him another chance with these text messages he persistenly sends me. I hope he doesn't mind if I post one up here. :\ (I just want to give the people an idea of the love you send my way... dont be mad )

April 6. 1:51 am.
The Ex:
I know ur sleep n I hope this doesn't wake you. n I know we both have grown into diff ppl than the ones that were n love a few yrs ago well, n lust n ur kase i guess, but everytime i see ur name or pic n my phone i cnt help the feelings that overwhelm me. i love you with all my heart n no matter how much we change, that will never change. I want you n my life sydni. i still dnt kare what it takes. i hope to hear from u soon.

*Sigh* After breaking up with him.... I always felt like there was no way I'd EVER go back that way again. To this day... I still don't feel like we're a match for eachother. BUT... dealing with the guys I have in the past few years.... it almost makes me want to try again just because I know he REALLY loves me. I know the reasoning isn't right... which is why I currently don't have any intentions of doubling back but... can you see where I'm coming from? I know it's not just about sex... and I know that he wouldn't just change his mind or his feelings wouldn't just switch up within a matter of months or so. We broke up in...hmm... shit.. what was it.... '06' maybe.... and he told me that he feels like he can't be with any other girl because he feels like he's supposed to marry ME..... psh.... ME!! Who the fuck am I?! lol. I don't get it.... I really don't. I'm still trying to figure out what he sees in me. Man... it feels good to know that someone loves me through all my flaws though. Cause if anyone knows this girl's flaws.... HE does. lol. Hmph.. I still don't believe that's reason enough to try again. The connection's gotta be there and right now... it's not. :( I'll have love for him forever... no doubt about it... but without that connection...friends we shall stay.

Well.... I have more on my mind...but that will be for anuza day.

Til puis......au revoir!

-SydniMichael